Everyday when you wake up and take a breath

To everyone at LifeBridge church:

2011-12-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

If this church represents the hands and feet of Jesus, then I have learned that Jesus is rich, spoiled, cliquey, persnickety, and exclusive; friendly, but only superficially and only on Sundays.

I attended this church for years and attempted to invest in people and into new friendships and relationships but felt so turned away and abandoned by so many who probably simply forgot that I exist. The only friends I have who attend(ed) there were my friends before I ever attended, the people who invited me in the first place. Sure, lots of us are friends on facebook, but are we really friends? Am I getting the love that I need through relationship, am I even allowed to give any?
I have offered multiple times to help with various ministries at this church, but each and every time I have been turned away because certain areas were “too full” or they “didn’t need me.” When I left the church, not once did anyone ask where I went.

I saw a therapist for months because I knew that somehow it must be my fault that no one at this church seemed to notice or really care about me… he told me that there was nothing wrong on my part, other than I didn’t realize that some people don’t really care, and that I can’t change them.
Now, I am not attempting to selfishly complain because MY needs were not met, I am simply stating that after years of trying, after quietly, patiently praying that people would notice me, let me in, return my calls with messages other than “sorry I’ve been busy”, I am giving up. And I am really sorry that it had to happen this way.

So to everyone there, if you are genuinely my friend (and I’m sure you know who you are, because we actually spend time together) you are amazing and I am eternally grateful for you. To everyone else, please notice the impact your negligence has had on my heart.

I would still love to be your friend, and I realize how insanely busy everyone’s schedule can be (which is why I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt for so long), but I would still love to to go to cool bible studies with you, to go out to eat and get coffee and hear your life stories and encourage you, pray with you when you need it, etc.
But this message is to let everyone know that I have stopped trying because my efforts thus far have been utterly fruitless.

I have felt welcomed and comforted in the company of agnostics and atheists more than I have ever felt love in this white-washed church.

Merry Christmas.

the unexpected end.

2011-02-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

So, 2011 began with a wonderful leap into the unknown.
I finally got the chance to be a roadie with Invisible Children, and so, as most of you know, I moved into the roadie house (with more than 60 other people) and got to work!

I kept meaning over the weeks to write about my adventures in the house and in the office, but it was all just this exhilarating busy blur of working and training and getting to know all of these people I live and work with, and dance parties every night in the garage and running and shopping and laughing and studying and learning and trying to find room to cook food in the kitchen because there were so many people eating all at once, and getting up before dawn and emotions and vulnerability and getting to love my team and struggling through our differences and booking this crazy trip across the country.

I was more than beyond excited to travel to many new places I had never been, and share this powerful story of northern Uganda and the Congo with everyone I met. It was all going so well, I loved every moment of it like crazy, I was being challenged in the best possible ways, I was so glad to finally be here where I felt like I belonged.

Well, last week, after working hard in the office from dawn until dusk (literally), I was approached by my regional manager and she took me into an office and basically said that it wasn't going to work out with me, and that my internship would be terminated on the spot.

The specific reasons they gave were that I "have a very independent spirit, and while that is appreciated, it will not work with this team environment." That and they said I asked too many questions, which could be misconstrued as not trusting the management.

I attempted to plead with them, and I told them that my intentions were misinterpreted and wrongly perceived and that I was wholly dedicated to this company but to no avail: I wasn't good enough to be here this semester and my work with IC was over.

I am still rather dazed and shocked and confused.

They made me move out of the house that night with nowhere to go. I called my best friends and have been sort of just couch surfing around until I figure out what to do.
I drove up to L.A. (in my mom's car because I sold mine two weeks ago) and spent some time with friends, and have just sort of given myself time to come to terms with the fact that I will not be going on this tour anymore.

It kind of feels like losing a close friend or family member, or I guess, it feels like a divorce or something. I haven't experienced that and I never plan to, but it's just this weird shock of things being over and you never wanted them to end that way. Even worse, it's hard because there is no solid black-and-white answer to why they let me go. It was just because I'm me, and I didn't fit. My heart is broken and I miss my team and my roadie family more than anything, but the fact of the matter is: Now I'm here. Not there. I'm not going to be touring the South this spring with two amazing Americans and a Ugandan.
I guess that something else is planned for me during this time, and while I can't imagine it being better than what I was supposed to be doing with IC, I'm eager to find out what it is.

That's all I really have to say about that.
I'm so sorry if I let anyone down. I've certainly let myself down.

2011-02-01T18:01:00.000-08:00

‎"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscagli

Home Sweet Home

2011-01-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

I live in a house with 64 people.

Sometimes more, sometimes less.

There are:

50 roadies (the rest are interns)

6 Canadians

2 brothers

2 Morgans

5 refrigerators

4 bathrooms

one attic

two cupboards-under-the-stairs

two "harry potters" (who live in those cupboards)

one machete in the hall closet

one giant cockroach named Rickey

10 musical instruments of mine which are kept in the basement

9 couches

39 cups and mugs

No cable

5 massive vans (you know, those vans)

"enough knives to arm the neighborhood"

1001 laughs

4000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone

ten thousand reasons to rejoice

A million stories

64 distinct and wonderful personalities

A house full of people who love switchfoot. (My dream come true, right?)

64 hearts that, in one way or another love Africa and have minds made up to change the world.

The Roadie house is one of a kind.

(Did I mention there is a basement? Isn't that weird?)

Are you ready?

2011-01-02T12:15:00.001-08:00

this is your life.

2010-12-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

whoa

2010-10-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

October 22, 2010 has snuck up and pounced upon me like this awesome tiger upon this frightened man:

I have not posted (here) in a long while!
I've got some catching up to do.

But time is merciless!
Time will continue on, against my will and thoughts and work and tireless valiant efforts to slow it down (or even to speed it up on occasion).

Time is like the clinging monkey on the back of this rather angry parrot,

or like this vulture's vicious attack upon an unsuspecting jackal:
Time still marches, marches violently, silently onward!

a englilish poem

2010-06-20T19:00:00.000-07:00

The Chaos

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

- Charivarius (G. Nolst Trenité)

Two quotes I have memorized, and that I will unconditionally love forever.

2010-05-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

Jon Foreman:

"I yearn to live and love and burn, and yet so much of my time is spent faking and forgetting, faking and forgetting... I carry out my disbelief with uninspired hands, my eyes shut, my emotions dulled, my spirit numb. It is in times like these I am in desperate need of truth to come to me like a blinding light, like a splinter in my soul, reminding me of the brevity of my time here on earth."

&

Jack Kerouack (from On the Road):

"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

i am a child no longer - but this is still me.

2010-05-14T10:37:00.001-07:00

“Millions of children—one in five—have what psychologist Lucy Jo Palladino, Ph.D., calls the Edison trait: dazzling intelligence, an active imagination, a free-spirited approach to life, and the ability to drive everyone around them crazy. They have the raw talent to succeed in our fast-paced, information-rich, techno-magic world. But, unbridled, their talent also brings conflict into their lives. Edison-trait kids excel at thinking divergently, brimming over with one idea after the other. However, schools, organized activities, and routines of daily living reward convergent thinking, which seeks to focus on one idea at a time. Parents and teachers get frustrated by the Edison-trait child’s apparent intractability and lack of focus. A mismatch between school and child can mask the child’s considerable gifts for creativity and independent thinking.”

from: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN=0812927370/borntoexplotheotA/

i need a place to live.

2010-04-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get tired of having to retell my confusing present life situation over and over again to everyone who asks, so I figured I should write it all down.

At times I really hesitate to share some of this information. One, because it's very personal. Two, because I don't want to sound like I am complaining. But it is what it is and I am in desperate need right now of support or at least, just the ability to get all of this confusing ish out so I can sort through it and find out what I need to do.
I'm no good with being vague, so I tell it like it is.

the first part of this was written on Sunday march 28th:

I've had a very rough weekend, to put it lightly.
After weeks of worrying and wondering about it, my mom finally lost her job and now has to sell our house since we can no longer afford it, so I have to move out.
She has no idea where she is going to live, and no, I cannot live with her, so please stop asking about that. Initially I wasn't too worried about this because I was blessed and fortunate enough to be able to move in with Courtney and Jordi's family in Chula Vista, and the more I prayed and considered the ramifications of this move, the better it seemed. There was a good church community that they are involved in, (and since I currently work at a church on Sundays I do not attend a church and have no community or fellowship with any specific church, especially certain ones that to a good job of making me feel like an outcast, so I figured this was good,) and everything else just seemed right.

But this Sunday was an especially stressful day because on Saturday (march 27), my car started stalling and I had to trade it with my mom's car because it wasn't working, and I needed a car to move my stuff because she continued to stress that I needed to have my stuff packed up and moved out so she could sell the house.
That night, however, I tried to go home to sleep but my mom was out drinking with her boyfriend and I couldn't get inside because she had my house key since we traded cars.
So, since I had no place to sleep, my best friend and I stayed up in his car talking for an entire night. We spent most of it crying. It was not good. We decided to break off any potential we had for a relationship. (And yes, there was one there as most of you surmised.)
As the sun came up on Sunday I went straight to my internship feeling groggy and hungry and sad. All I had to eat was some coffee... so I felt ridiculous.
I had planned to go to the absolutely wonderful bridal shower of the amazing Alison, but as soon as I got there I got a call form Courtney saying that
the Williams got evicted from their house and had 60 days to move out. I'm sorry that I wasn't for longer, Alison! I wanted to be. Courtney is moving back in with her mom, but I don't know where I am going to go.

Anyway, it has been a few terrible weeks since that Sunday, and I have not really felt the crippling sadness that now overwhelms me until recently. I have been doing poorly in school but still I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this suck consume me. However, I heard again today that after Jordi's family moves, I can't come with them. Initially Jordi said I could share a room with her, but I guess it's going to be more expensive if more people life there... So:
In a month I won't have a place to live. I still don't have a full time job, and I don't have money to attend college. I barely have money to keep paying for my car, so affording a large rent right now also seems near impossible.

But! I do realize that I am blessed. I know I am very blessed. I have food and water and clothing and so much stuff that I don't even know what to do with it. I even have the time and ability to do incredible things and really enjoy the beauty in life.

But even still, when I look around at my current situation, I just feel completely crippled. I am helpless and I don't know what to do. There are so many goals and dreams I have, but I fear that none of them will ever be realized.

I am trying my best to look on the bright side of things. I am trying to enjoy this most turbulent and interesting this time in my life.

But right now, I figure that my life will either continue in this horrific downward spiral until I eventually die, or things will get better.

I have faith, and I know that SOMETHING is going to happen, so I shouldn't give up just yet.
Whatever it is, bring it on.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - it's crazy but I'm kind of loving it.

2010-01-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

on a whim

2010-01-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 4:00 this morning, and then I drove up the golden state to Davis with my friend Stephen.
It was really quite random, fun, unplanned, and amazing.

I'll be in the bay area for a little while, but I don't know how long. I'll fly back whenever I can.
I got to spend time with Christina who is very excited to have a visitor. I really love it here. I should be in college some more. I really love college.

Also, I'm glad I took this trip on a whim. I think that life should be more whimsical.

Because who even knows what life is anyway?
I want to figure it out, and for now, this is the best way I know how.

Do something unexpected today, friends. Do something positive. Make the world a better place.

yes...

2010-01-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

we made it!

happy 2010.

don't read this if you want to keep on pretending that everything we do in the world is alright.

2009-12-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

Every single piece of plastic us humans have ever produced is still on the planet today. It will never go away.
We can recycle it, but most of it ends up in the garbage, and then in the ocean, where there is a mass of garbage that is estimated to be twice the size of Texas.

Please take note of this.
Read this website to see what it is doing to the environment:
http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php?id=11

I hope you are happy with this, humans.

I am quitting my job at Tuesday Morning because the company is wasteful and never recycles. I honestly can't stand killing the earth any more than I already do.

Even though you are only one person, what you do definitely matters.
So be aware.

this is my new favourite blog:

2009-12-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

1000 Awesome Things

also this other fledgling blog might eventually shape up to be something nice: www.friendofmine.wordpress.com

:)

life is wild

2009-12-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

When I was born, I was fortunate enough to have a loving family that cared for me and provided for me.
Initially they taught me to speak and walk and think and reason and then eventually they put me into school where I learned many, many more things.
From that point on my life was rather well planned out.

What no one ever told me is that at one point, my life wasn't going to have a plan.

I guess that this was always a given: once I was finished with my schooling then I would have to do something with my life and "make a living" somehow.
But even in high school, there was still this idea that, well, next year I will go to college, and then I will have skills and a degree and I will be able to apply for jobs, etc.

What no one ever told me is that you can't exactly apply for jobs like you apply for schools.

There is no set path or set goals or set plan for anything.
Life is wild, open, unpredictable, beautiful and grand.

I don't know if this secret had been purposefully or accidentally kept from me my entire life. I don't think it was intentional because I guess that it is not really a secret.

But it is a scary thing to really realize that, from here on out, if I do nothing to make something happen, then nothing will happen with my life.

I feel as if I am starting my life over again, right now, with a fresh clean slate, except already I have twenty years of training and education and experience under my skin, and I am well enculturated into this society.

Right now, I am looking towards my open horizons, and am excited to see what happens next; I am also prepared to bear the weight and consequence of my future decisions, whatever those may be.

Please do not fear the wilderness of life once you come upon it. Look out into it, take a risk and prepare yourself for the wildest adventure you can possibly dream up.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs
is people who have come alive."
-Harold Whitman

P.S. Copland's Fanfare For The Common Man is probably my favourite song at the moment. Please listen to it while you read this post, and while you perform any other task ever.

Switchfoot (and me!) on Jimmy Kimmel

2009-11-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yep, after working for switchfoot all weekend, and going to their Hello Hurricane release party on Tuesday, I got to see them again on Jimmy Kimmel.

After Courtney and I saw U2 (posted below) I said that I wished all of the shows I attended would be broadcast on YouTube.
Well look at that! Maybe they all will be!

Thanks

best weekend ever?

2009-11-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I got to see The Lion King musical.

It was amazing.

Today I am working for Switchfoot.
My favourite band ever.
As I type this, I am sitting back stage, several feel away from them.
They are soundchecking.
Jon just played the main riff from New Way To Be Human. I don't know if that's on the set or not.
They are so cool and so nice.
They are also messing with their new equipment and they look like kids on christmas.

This is a dream come true.

Thank you Switchfoot, thank you.

the end of october and the indescribable infinity

2009-10-31T03:00:00.000-07:00

This past week has felt so amazing.
I don’t even know why I am trying to describe it except I feel that I need to lest I ever forget about it.

There is this one ungraspable feeling and idea in particular that I want to make a vain attempt at grasping.

First: Courtney and I went to a U2 show at the Rose Bowl on her 21st birthday. At the same time, our dear friend Madison was in labor, and the next day, a new and beautiful little human life was brought into this world to be with our lives.
Welcome to the planet, Sage.

That night, on the eve of Sage’s birth, the halfmoon shown brightly in the dim Los Angeles sky and I knew it was just a perfect night.
It felt magical.
And this “magic” is precisely what I want to ascertain.

For a few good moments I could pause and breathe and know that there was a grand story unfolding all around me. I could just feel it, see it in the eyes of all other people, inhale it in everywhere around me.
It is the feeling of infinity that I have occasionally discerned throughout my life, and it is the best feeling ever.

I can’t quite say where it comes from, but it was like I knew my distinct part in The Greatest Story Ever Told.

And I guess that a piece of me always knows that I am a part of this, but so often I ignore it.
I know that I can feel it, but I cannot exactly hear the narration.
I don’t know the next chapter or page or even the next sentence of this story.
That is a little scary.

Right now I am wondering if maybe I have to write it.
And in facing that, I am tempted to cram as many shallow, trivial things as possible into that gaping story line, just to make it easy; so I don’t fear getting it wrong.

But! sometimes, I can hear the pen: and I know it isn’t mine.
Something is out there and it is guiding all of this. Every coincidence in the story was planned long before by the author; none of it is chance.
And in this feeling I can reach out into eternity, into infinity, into that immeasurable magical brilliance.

For some reason it makes me think of those tucks driving through the long, cold nights in the vast, empty spaces across America. Maybe if you have driven for a long time you will know what I mean. The trucks will drive all night and then into the desert sunrise; across the unending land and into another still day.
They make me feel something I can barely wrap words around.
I guess it's what I mean when I say, "I feel infinite."
But somehow it is more than that, too.

This summer dragged on far, far too long.
And though now some days are still warm I am so glad to feel the bitter cold wind that swept through here this past week.
I sat with Jordi and the newborn Sage as the crisp wind blew outside. I could hear the sound of the freeways sigh along with my sigh, my lungs breathing in, and out and in, keeping me here on Earth and as a part of this story.
She played her guitar softly and I just thought about what it means to be alive.
I love that feeling.
I really do.

The wind comes in at night and brings a change that you weren’t expecting; it brings a life you never thought you had the chance to live until now.
It is when you learn something new that will forever impact how you live your life.
It is understanding love; it is the stars; it is gazing into the night sky and attempting to perceive your own infinitesimal existence.
It is those three perfect notes you hear together which somehow construct a euphoric harmony.

Simple, ubiquitous; yet quietly magnificent.

We rush around and fill our lives with so many busy things, but for me it’s those quiet moments, which I cannot describe, that are worth living for.
When you can take a breath, and know that your soul is alive, and that there is another step beyond this one, and then one more beyond that one, and that the story continues forevermore.

Because the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard.

And we all need to keep listening.

everything is amazing and nobody is happy

2009-10-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

couldn't have said it better.

^_^

I can't believe I was here!

2009-10-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

It was so, so amazing.

By the way, U2 are the most Christian band I have ever seen before. Take note of this, supposed followers of Christ.

This is why.

2009-10-23T18:18:00.001-07:00

some things I don't know

2009-10-22T03:33:00.000-07:00

I know this is a little odd, because it is very hard to "know" what one does not know. It's like asking someone to think of something they have never thought about before. Not an easy task.

And true, there are millions of things that I don't know, and obviously, the more I learn, the more I will be aware of what I don't know. But these are things like, "what is the meaning of life?" and "why has the internet made me so stupid?" Not something you can look up.

This, on the other hand, is a list I have managed to compile of things that most people know, and that I could easily learn.
But I just don’t know them for some reason, and I haven’t really spent the time to learn them.

- The difference between affect and effect
- What “Modal Jazz” is
- The names and types of clouds
- The provinces of Canada
- Canadian geography in general
- Why Doc Holiday is famous
- types of gold, diamonds, and what exactly a “karat” is
- birth stones, and the significance of expensive jewelry
- where Sonoma is
- any Led Zeppelin songs. (I have a cassette tape… I should just listen to it.)
- the proper pronunciation of any French words
- French
- how to be on time.

yay

2009-10-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've seen switchfoot many, many times before.
And I know that this will be another good show.
Because I get to help with sound!
I'm so excited.

Antes de morir

2009-10-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

happy birthday kenny.

2009-09-25T03:30:00.001-07:00

I honestly wish that there was a better way for me to wish you a happy day.

I miss being your friend.
Look where we were... and now look were we are.

Obviously not me.

It is a sad reality, to say the least.

But Kenny, if you knew how I really felt about you, you would have never, ever, ever said what you did.
I really wish that things didn't have to be this way.

But most of all, I have learned this:

And for that I am truly thankful. :)

Clipping

2009-09-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling overload
Carrying bottled skies around
I've been drowning all along
wearing out in a faltered sea

And I give up.

Common sense failed again,
Meddling in a foreign scene
Foreign dream.
Time won't spare another sun,
daring me with another choice
another choice.

Anymore,
I don't know who to fight anymore.
I don't know what is right anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know how to feel anymore
I don't know what is real anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know who to trust anymore
I don't know what I want anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know who to blame anymore
I don't know what to say anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know what I want anymore.
I just don't know anymore.

-MuteMath

(this is not the album version)

...

2009-09-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

He says to me:
"I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?... "

I sigh and respond:
No, I've tried, but I really don't see it. And I'm sorry.

Anton Jungenberg (1989 - 2009)

2009-09-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today I found out the news that you had died.
That you took your own life, and no one really knows why.
It was very surreal.

I am standing in Wal-Mart. Alone. Why am I here?
I walk slowly down the aisles, touching the different fabrics and wondering... why?
Why are you gone? Why did you do this? Why did this happen?
Why didn't anyone stop you?
Why didn't I?

My mind is filled with so many questions, none of which you can answer.
I am standing alone in Wal-Mart, tears welling up inside of me.
Do you know this? Can you hear me crying? Can you understand my pain?
Where are you now? What are you doing? Have you finally found the peace you were seeking? What is going to happen?

All of this thinking and questioning begins to choke me.
I need to hear a sound, a human voice, something other than this ambient nothing - the distant bleep-bleep of consumerism at the registers, the air conditioner and this cold, stale air which is sucking the precious life away from me.

I am still in shock. I cannot believe you are gone.
We made plans together, and many were still pending. When were you going to take me to the tunnels? Christmas break? I'm so sorry we couldn't go before you left for school... I was so busy... I start to hate myself for that. But when was I going to come visit you up at school? I promised I would and I really meant it.

I pick up my phone and call you... hoping, praying, pleading that this is all just a very bad joke and that you are still alive, still here, still breathing the air with the rest of us on the planet.
The very fact that I found out this news via your facebook must mean that it isn't true... I mean, it's the internet, how much can I really trust it?
The phone rings but the number "has been disconnected or is no longer in service."
I think to myself, so that's what happens to your phone number after you die...

And then the shock hits me again.
You are dead.
Everything I know about life and death and living is called into question.
I really don't know what happens to people after they die. I really have no idea.

I've been in this store now so long that I'm starting to get confused, numb. I walk by all of the televisions and it's just blur, blur, blur, meaningless blur. Everything here is meaningless. All I see are prices, products, pointless things that we say we need but that won't really add value to anything in life. Does saving more really mean living better? I don't think so.
The music from one of the televisions reaches out to me and stirs my soul, but it answers none of my questions.

In my head I will magnify every interaction that you and I ever shared.
They will become grand in my memory.
How we met at Grossmont, how you somehow remembered that we went to first and second grade together, how you always told me I was pretty in the strangest and sweetest ways possible, how you would awkwardly talk to me on facebook, how you made me laugh, how we went to the ghost together and played the scribble game, how we talked at school, how you gave me a ride that one day and all that we listened to was Norma Jean.
But the truth is: we were never really that close.
I never knew you like I could have.
You wanted me to teach you how to use your new camera and I never did.
You wanted to take me out to coffee and you never got to.
You made the weirdest jokes and I never understood them.
I never really took the time to understand them.
I never really rook the time to understand you.
I never knew you were in so much pain.
I never knew something like this could happen.
This is a tragedy.
This is eating me up inside.

David is here in the store. I meet him and he buys me chocolate and I tell him what happened. He tries to be light-hearted about it but he knows he cannot.
I'm glad he's here.
We sit outside together and look up at the sky.
I guess I can only breathe in deeply and thank God for the life I have been given.
I really don't know what else to do.

Anton, you were a wonderful person, you were sweet, funny, smart, an amazing artist, a great friend and I don't even know what else. I really wish I did.

Please, God please, I pray that you have found your peace.

And I guess, in the spirit of September 11, (and because I don't know what else to say) let us never, ever forget.

Garbage.

2009-09-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

http://www.yhchang.com/LOTUS_BLOSSOM.html

Random, I know, but I love love love this.

2009-09-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

I wish I lived with this little guy.

why you only the sometimes blogs?

2009-09-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Here is your answer.

How have you been lately, Morgan?
Oh, I have been very well, actually. Better and better each and every day in fact! I went though a lot of really tough things this summer, and for a while I was not doing well, but I finally feel like I am being pulled out of this.
Could it be because of school starting?
Could it be because I saw 500 Days of Summer?
Could it be because I am facing a lot of difficult challenges that are hard to deal with?
Maybe.
But more than that, I know that this is from the Spirit. In fact, there is no other explanation which comes to mind. It must be the spirit!

Anyways, lately I have not been blogging much here because I have been spending a very large amount of time writing on my secret blog, which no human on this earth has ever seen.

Why is this?
Because I have no more humans to tell my deep secrets to, so instead I tell them to God.
I think he wants to hear them anyway.

Do I realize the fact that I now have secrets (frustrations, hopes, dreams, desires, fears, passions, wishes) that no one knows about?

Yes. And this is strange for me. Very strange. I am not the type of person to ever keep secrets. The fact that things go on in my life that no one knows about and that maybe no one will ever know about is weird to me.
I'm used to telling people these things.

But! Have I accepted this as a fact of life?
Yes.

Am I excited to see what other interesting things life has in store?
Why, yes!

Will I blog more about things like secrets later?
Of course.

Well, I plan to.

Also,
HAPPY SEPTEMBER!

Welcome to the month of the Most Amazing Sunsets. Live like it's all you've got.

500 days of summer

2009-08-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

This movie was cute, funny, beautifully scripted and filmed, and it completely and utterly changed my entire life.
I think it was the most amazing movie (and the most applicable to my life) I've ever seen.

Please see it.

It really just... wow. It was good.

As Isaac Becker once said to me:
"There are other rocks in the quarry."

I didn't understand what he meant when he said it, because I'm not much of a miner. But after seeing this movie, I am now more than enthusiastic to see what the big, beautiful quarry has in store.
:)

2009-08-27T02:30:00.000-07:00

I know my fatal flaw.
I am an idealist through and through.
My life is filled with so many "shoulds."

And I will stubbornly stand by these ideals.
It's hard knowing your flaw sometimes.
Because I really don't know how to not be an idealist.
How do I not fill my life with ideals?

You should be glad!
We should never have to worry about that.
I should be able to take this class.
You should get credit for that.
You should stand up for what you believe in!
You should speak up!
I should be happy.
I should listen to that more often.
Children should be raised in a loving home.
Families shouldn't have to split apart.
No one should have to be alone.
Love should last forever.

"Maybe I'm idealistic to assume that truth could be fact and form, that love could be a verb; maybe I'm just a little misinformed."

Side note:
I think I'm going to try this: www.zenhabits.net/2009/08/how-to-live-a-better-life-with-less

Mmhmm

2009-08-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

This album so so amazing.

I got it when it came out during my sophomore year of high school, but sadly it's been a few years since I've really listened to it.

But today I did again, and every single lyric applied to my life so amazingly and perfectly and poetically.
So I decided to post them all here.

Please listen along and enjoy! Maybe you will even be challenged, or maybe even changed forever like i was:

The One I'm Waiting For

The way that girl can break a heart
It’s like a work of art
And this is the worst part
She knows it

And she’s so confident
That she’s what everybody wants
But nobody wants
Her to know that

So fall back on all of your premonitions
And just learn to listen
To those that have more wisdom than you
And just stop
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

The way that girl can turn a head
Well she is such a threat
But don’t ever forget
She knows it

And she’s got it all
All figured out
And she won’t let you doubt
She knows it

I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

----

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

----

High Of 75

We were talking together
I said, "what's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
'Cause on my own volition.
What if I'm just missing the sun

And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed.

But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
Their control over the sky

And lately the weather
Has been so Bi-polar
And Consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

And the temperature is freezing
And then, after dark,
There is a cold frost sweeping
In over my heart

And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun

Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be... alive

---------

I So Hate Consequences

And I’m good, good, good to go
I gotta get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that.

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want.

And I spent all last night
Staring down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home.”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I-told-you-so’s
I said the words I knew you knew:
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you.

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that.

----

The Only Thing Worse Than Beating A Dead Horse Is Betting On One

Just listen to the politician wishing his position wasn't missing everything his heart would like to say and a constant in the constitution is that there can't be one solution 'cause it'd be so far from the truth that we would hate it anyway.

Opinions are immunity to being told you're wrong
paper, rock, and scissors
they all have their pros and cons.

and all of us we will endure
just like we always have
but you just can't be too sure
how long this will last

'cause we control the chaos
in the back of our minds
our problems seem so small
but they grow on us like gravity
but gravity makes us fall.

------

More Than Useless

I feel like, I would like
to be somewhere else doing something that matters.
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather.

What's the purpose? It feels worthless.
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you.

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me:

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time, it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like He would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know.

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once.

---------------

Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet?

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened.

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not.

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far.

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away.
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

----

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief

Oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency.

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

------

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

----------

Maintain Consciousness

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw:
our conversations change from words to blah, blah blah
we took prescription drugs but look how much good that did
well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted...

Lately it just seems to me
like we've got the letters A.D.D.
branded into our mentality
we simply can't focus on anything

because it's
17, 18, 19 routine
and here at 23 it's the same old me
and that one thing of the moment
that we all happen to like will
only very temporarily
kinda break the cycle
of the double edged sword
of being lazy and being bored
we just want more and more and more
till it's all we can afford

to keep our eyes open for just one more day
to keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way
to keep our minds open for just one more day
cause it's completely up to us
to maintain consciousness.

well, no one can possibly listen to this
more than 4 reps is just monotonous
we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest...

----

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

and this week the trend
was to back stab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
'cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again.

And I just wanna get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up;
'cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by.
And what we take from this is what we'll get
and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up.

-------------

Life After Death And Taxes (Failure II)

Hey taxi,
Take me straight to the heart of it
The nucleus of politics where somebody, somebody started it
Cause they taxed me
With a scalpel piece by piece
They cut me deep and bled me dry until there was nothing left to bleed

And this is how I choose to live
As if I'm jumping off a cliff
knowing that you'll save me
and after all the stupid things I did
there's nothing left to forgive
because you already forgave me
yeah you already forgave me

Just keep driving
leave this defeat miles behind me
so far back I'd have to rack my mind just to remind me
I keep trying
To pick myself back up and then move on
And think about the life I'll have when this fragile one is gone.

Never forget
there's life after death
And taxes
And forgiveness comes
Then all of the rest is what passes away
Death and decay can't touch us now

Every breath that I inhale is followed by exhaling
Sure as the one who never fails, I know will never fail me.

Never forget
there's life after death and taxes
Forgiveness comes

then all of the rest
it just passes away

Death and decay can't touch us now.

------------------

When I Go Down

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this.
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works. no, that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind,
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found.

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no, that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly.

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth.

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again, to lift me up again.

---------

Thanks.

Seattle!

2009-08-17T00:28:00.001-07:00

is so freaking cool.

Josh and Jenny got married today, and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever seen.

Wow wow wow.

Yesterday I went to the Space Needle and the Museum of Science Fiction and wow.

I love this city.

It was very sunny too.

Maybe I'll have to explain this one later too.

:)

tuesday august 11

2009-08-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

was a very long day.

wow.

yes indeed.

I'll explain later.

The Olympics!

2009-08-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

Last year was the opening of the 2008 Olypmics.
They were absolutely astounding:

<a href="http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:d3db5db6-9f69-4525-b017-898ae0383348&showPlaylist=true" target="_new" title="2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony">Video: 2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony</a>

I would encourage you to find a better quality video, because this one is honestly terrible. But it was the first one I could find that had the whole ceremony on it.

Dang I miss those Olympics.

Camus

2009-08-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

This is an old plague that my great-grandmother used to have in her house.
I got it after she died in 2006.
The interesting thing is, I didn't even know who "Camus" was until that year, when I read his book for Mr. Graber's AP Lit class. (I heard on the news that pres. Bush read that same book "The Stranger" at the same time that I did... random fact.)
I learned that Albert Camus is a very strange man indeed. And my whole life I grew up only knowing of him because of this saying on a plaque.
Maybe I feel a little differently about the saying now, knowing about who Camus is, but mostly, I just read this quote again and thought that it was wonderful and needed to be shared.

confession, value

2009-08-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

so, today was a weird day. Honestly, it was not a very good one.
But, tonight I went to Flood, and I am very glad that I did. It was rather serendipitous actually. It turned my whole day around for sure.

I want to try to explain this.
It might not make sense, but I'll try to keep the story simple.
The theme of the message at Flood was this:

Confession: to openly acknowledge what is true.
The speaker talked of the importance of confession. To God, to ourselves, and to others.

So here, a confession:
I for the past few days I have not been wearing a seat belt.
This is because I no longer valued my life.

I no longer valued my life probably due to a few things, one of which can only be the enemy, and another being that I feel like I am stacked up against something impossible, and who am I, as a worthless little nothing, to do anything about it?
I felt terrible, I felt trapped, I felt useless and pointless and unloved and uncared for. I wanted to escape from my life in any way possible, though I didn't know how.

Well anyway, as I drove home, I reflected upon how I was in a much better mood than I was before I went to Flood, and how I was so glad I could meet up with some of my amazing friends and laugh and talk things through. It is really strange and wonderful how people can turn your day (and subsequently your life) around like that.

I also asked myself some serious questions, and I listened to some beautiful and poignant music that I had not listened to in a rather long time.
(I will not tell you what music it was because that's not really the point and I don't want you to dwell on that or be distracted by it.)
As I drove through the darkness, this music took me over and I began to feel a strong wave of emotions washing over me.

It brought back a lot of specific memories, and it rekindled a lot of feelings that I had been running from for a long time, though I didn't really know how true this was this until I actually felt them.
It saddens me to think that I have been running from these things for so long. And to know that you have been running from them too.

In that moment, tears streamed down my face, and the sound that filled my ears danced in time with the song in my soul, and again they spoke together, as they once did, as I know they will again.

I looked through the cracked windshield at the clamoring world around me; the blur of lights, the city night.
I felt the seat belt of my car hugging me tightly, holding me firmly in place.

A sense of knowing came over me. I knew that God was saying: The world may be rushing all around you, but right now, right here, you are held tightly and safely and I'm not letting you go. You may not always think of yourself as valuable, but I know exactly how valuable you are.

I felt like some old antique appraised at an antiques roadshow; I at first looked like some old junk, but I was later discovered to be priceless beyond measure.

And though I know that things will still be difficult, I will wear my seat belt from now on, and I will stop thinking so much of how to escape, because obviously God isn't going to let me go.

So, yeah. Please don't make my mistake and forget how valuable you are, and make sure to openly acknowledge what is true as often as you can, because Confession can be a powerful and freeing thing.

Oh, and there's something else, but I'll save that for another time. ;)

my oh my july

2009-07-31T17:00:00.000-07:00

where have you been?
where have you gone?
are you really almost done?

I am so... confused by the blur of life around me.

I also must say that so far, today has been a terrible day.
I just feel so utterly defeated by everything.

And I really hate to hear myself say this, but July, I think will be glad when you are gone.

moving

2009-07-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

can be tough.

Today I said goodbye to my favourite wall.

All of my memories from the past two+ years replaced once again by a blank slate.

This was strangely cathartic. :)

2009-07-27T23:43:00.001-07:00

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

i'm totally crushing

2009-07-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

Jars of Clay is so so so good.

The show last night was very unprofessional and therefore somehow also very personal.
There were many "technical possibilities" as Dan called them.

Also Dan Haseltine is definitely one of my favourite people right now.

My 11-year-old self is telling me I told you so.

be nice to water

2009-07-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

this is very interesting:

The Longer I Lay Here (live)

2009-07-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

Laziness cuts me like fine cutlery...

by pedro the lion. (this is only a live version, so hear the original, and the whole album, if you can.)

dear kenny becker:

2009-07-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

also, you really should have been there.

hopefully this will get through to you.

jesus stole my heart and chris martin sweated on me

2009-07-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

I spent way too much time in L.A.

Then I went and worked at Summer Camp!

Coldplay!!!

The Setlist:
Life In Technicolor
Violet Hill
Clocks
In My Place
Yellow
Glass Of Water
Cemeteries Of London
42
Fix You
Strawberry Swing
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
Talk
The Hardest Part (with just Chris on a piano on a sidestage)
Postcards From Far Away (piano instrumental)
Viva La Vida
Lost!
Green Eyes (acoustic, on a stage RIGHT BY US!)
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay / Death Will Never Conquer (Acoustic, sung by Will)
Billie Jean (acoustic cover)
Viva La Vida (remix interlude)
Politik
Lovers In Japan
Death And All His Friends
-------
The Scientist
Life in Technicolor ii
The Escapist (outro)

Wow.

I am perplexed, but not despairing.
Actually: instead I am joyful.

love

2009-07-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

  Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
   I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
   Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
   I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
   Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
   Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.
   Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

- Pablo Neruda

(c) 1978
Translation by Margaret Sayers Peden

best week ever?

2009-06-28T01:48:00.001-07:00

yes, it might have been.

:)

everything is music!

2009-06-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

I went to a cool event and a fun concert yesterday, but outside in the street, we saw someone die. The weirdest part is that I can't find anything in the news about it.
Well, maybe that's not the weirdest part.

Enjoy this, and enjoy your amazing life while it lasts. :)

this song reminded me of you

2009-06-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

unfortunately.

(just listen to the words... it's really inappropriate, though. I warn you.)

2009-06-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

I am struck by the impermanence of everything.
Everything around me is so temporary.
Life is fragile, fleeting, brief.
And yet, it seems we almost all live in ignorance of this fact.
We hold grudges and have petty disagreements when much bigger things are at stake.
What is life really all about?
And why do we see such terror, misfortune, famine in the world?

I ask for things to get better. Everyday I ask.
For wars to end, for lives to mend; but what does that really accomplish?
Are not those solutions only temporary?

My life was once transformed for the better, and yet, each new day it has the potential to change again, for better or worse.

Am I becoming like the discontented, disenchanted teacher from Ecclesiastes?
I don't know.
That would not be my objective.
I would still consider myself to be quite the optimist.

Perhaps I just need to ponder this more.

(The picture is something I took at UC Santa Cruz when courtney and I were there on our road trip. We were walking in a field and came across this little dear, and we were both shocked to find that it was dead. It really looked as if it could have gotten up at any moment. It was a strange curiosity. There was no blood or any wounds to be found. Its fur was a little bit wet, but mostly, it seemed like a fine young fawn. It looked as if this little creature had just barely entered into this life before it had to leave again. Strange, and at least for me, strangely beautiful.)

road trip

2009-06-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

This is me on the beach in santa cruz.
My hair still styled from Seattle;
My eyes full of sleep from Oregon;
My nose still full of cow-smells from Davis.

This trip further solidified that I want to spend a lot of my time on tour. on the road. always moving, traveling, exploring.
This trip has been absolutely incredible.
I couldn't even describe everything that has happened.
Right now I'm sitting in the living room of my friends Kris and Kara's house. The ocean is across the street (to the south!) blowing a cool breeze our way.
Maybe I will have to write more later.
But, as I think I posted on my previous blog, when there are so many fun and exciting things to do, why would you spend all of your time on the computer?
later!

seattle's best

2009-06-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting in the living room of the lovely Jenny Bushnell, looking out the window at her cat Moses who is playing with something on a hillside.
The tall trees are bright and full of life and enjoying their time in the Seattle sunshine.

This road trip has been amazing so far; we've crossed six states and had countless adventures.
Last night we went to Mars Hill Church and heard Pastor Mark Driscoll speak. If you don't know of him, you really should.
He reminded me of a lot of things.
A lot of important things.
So right now, rather than sit inside and type on this computer, I'm going to go outside and discuss some of the more important things in life with Jenny, and focus on The one and only thing that really matters.
Peace and joy is overwhelming me already; I can hardly wait!

i haven't slept in days

2009-05-31T21:03:00.000-07:00

but this weekend has been pretty dang amazing.

wow.

school is done. which is cool. chris was here, we ghosted too much. and laughed way more than that. i went to animal collective, there was kimmy and josh's wedding, and then I did sound for a stage at the rock n' roll marathon. also my toes are painted nice now. more adjectives to follow.

I should probably go before i finish typing this. I will type it later. yes.
I am so tired I cannot really tell what's going on.
Except I keep playing the piano a lot and I cannot stop... even to sleep, like I should be doing.
I know I will end up playing the piano in my sleep but then I will wake up and be sad because I haven't really been playing it.

Also this starts tomorrow:

a year ago

2009-05-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I was in Texas.
South Padre Island to be exact.
I woke up too early after too little sleep and saw the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico.
It was new, beautiful, southern, sunburnt, humid, human.
I year ago I had wild, crazy fun, and I never thought twice about it or regretted it.
I had a smile on my face that would not go away.
A year ago I had a plan. Several, in fact. A year ago I looked ahead and saw those plans come to pass, blossoming into things bigger and brighter than I had ever dreamed.
A year ago I had a best friend who I enthusiastically shared my life with. And he with me. He and I poured out our hearts and grew in leaps and bounds.
A year ago I stayed up until 4 am excitedly discussing philosophy and existential thought and life and death and beauty and values and morals and everything under the sun.
Stayed up until 4 am, many, many nights in a row but was never tired.
A year ago I was working on my photography final. I completed an insanely creative portfolio, and loved everything about it. It's been a year since I've been in the dark room, putting my hands into the developer, breathing in the strange smells of hard work and creativity.
A year ago I was eagerly getting ready for China.
I had no way of getting there, but somehow I knew I was going.
Each day when I looked at the calendar, I would smile with the anticipation.
A year ago a lot of things were different. But still, many, many things are the same.
I year ago there were so many things I didn't know. That I had never seen. Never touched or felt or knew with all of my soul.
Music means more to me now. A whole lot more. I hear it and take it in and feel it differently.
Also, when you hear a Brittney Spears or Kelly Clarkson song and it seems like the words were taken from the pages of your life, you know that your life is different than it was a year ago. Most assuredly.
A year ago I never really knew pain or sorrow. I never knew true generosity or selflessness; greed or bitter selfishness. I never knew true love, joy, bliss, lust, or infatuation either. Not like I do now.

Perhaps I've said this before... but the idea of time still haunts me now and then.
You know, time. Not just clocks, but this crazy passing of minutes and hours and days that happens to all of us all at once and that we have zero control over.
There are so many things I had a year ago that I no longer possess. Some of those things I want back, but lots of them I don't.
I am finally at a point (after many long journeys) where I am okay with all of this. Ok with being where I am. Happy, actually.

Though some things are still confusing, unfortunately. As much as I am over it all of the (ultimately insignificant) drama that happened, it is still weird from time to time. And sometimes it does still sting a little.
It's weird for me to consider that best friend I once had, and then loved, and then lost.
It's weird seeing him do things he promised that he'd do with me, with someone else. With a new friend. A new girl.
Someone who is sadly just a replacement.
A replacement, like I was. A replacement for headphones in his ears, for the music in his mind. A replacement for the drugs, for the fun, a replacement for something he really, truly needed, but had such trouble finding.
In a way, this girl is a replacement for me, and she is walking down a similar path that I did a year ago.
You can deny these words all you want, but they are some of the truest ones I know.
She has no idea what she's getting into.
And how could she?
Did I?
No.
Does that really matter though?
Not anymore.
A year ago I was very naive.
Now, do I wish that I was back there? Where I was?
No. Not anymore.
Maybe a month ago I did, but no longer.
I have a strong peace now, about whatever happens. Even in the midst of this weirdness. I have peace.
I am happy to be where I am now. I am once again excited about the future that God has for me. It's unclear in a lot of ways, but that is part of the adventure, isn't it?
A year ago I knew less than I know now. I am very thankful for that. For, at least I have learned. A year ago I had a lot to learn.
And I still do.

Today was good. Very good. It was a day filled with laughter and fun and friends and prayers and music and really, really good food. It was no day in Texas, but honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better day.
Except for one thing: 2008, you are gone. I loved you more than words can describe, and I'm thankful that you happened, and I will always remember you fondly.
I just wish you would just stop haunting me. You really need to.

Because today is all we have, and the future is all that we can look towards because it is all that will ever happen.

I can only wonder where I will be a year from now.

los angeles confuses me less and more all the time

2009-05-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

I loved spending the weekend in L.A. with Syrena, and visiting Biola was really cool, but my brain went all crazy and started asking a lot of really big existential questions.
I won't even write them down here because your head will start hurting too.

I don't really know how I feel about all of it.

It's a good feeling... it's just one that's pretty unclear.
But something big is going to happen, I can smell it in the summer wind.
My view life will soon be redefined, or perhaps it already has been.

putting it in

2009-05-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last night when I was at work, my coworker's 5-year-old son was kidnapped and taken to Mexico by a drug dealer. It was a rough night for her.

It's stuff like that really puts my problems in perspective.

I have lost people that meant a lot to me, and I don't really have a clue what I'm going to do this summer or where I'm going to go to school or what exactly God would have me to with the rest of my life (except to passionately seek him with all that I am.) But really, he's given me that, and given me peace and hope and freedom and love and laughter and joy. Shouldn't that be enough? Even if I can't see a "plan" shouldn't I trust His?
I'm learning to more and more, and this is very, very good.

Anywoozles, as far as school is concerned, I am guaranteed to be able to transfer to UC San Diego (which doesn't have the major I want) and UC Santa Cruz. I got into BIOLA, and San Francisco State, and I'm still applying to Azusa Pacific University, San Jose State and University of Auckland (which is kind of my dream school.) My mom wants me to apply to a few CSU schools in LA, and also UCLA, but those are making me feel meh.
Any advice?

life is so good.

2009-05-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

so good so good so good.

I feel better than ever, and there are way too many crazy and interesting things going on to even describe.

Maybe it's a long story, but I have less than zero direction in my life right now and I am very happy about it. For this has finally brought me to a place where I can live, day by day, waking up everyday and realizing that that is where my responsibility begins.
One day at a time.

I'll let this picture frame say some words:
...and I have never felt better!
Except I do know what I want. I want to live for God, and the eternal things that really matter.
Do I know what this means or what this will look like tomorrow?
Nope.
But it's gonna be pretty freaking fantastic I'm sure. :)

p.s. kenny: you were, and still are, very, very wrong about me. i'm very sorry that you happen to think the way you do, but i don't care anymore! think what you want, for i am alive and well, and whatever will be will be. also i know you don't even read this. even more awesome.

:D

the last day

2009-04-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of my life that I will be a teenager.

I can't even fathom everything that has happened in the span of the past year. Really. It's been crazy.

Also, this last weekend was THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE. Seriously. Well, so far!
Recording in the studio, doing Critical Mass, working at The Rescue, going to the Best Fest film festival, truly falling in love with my Creator once again were just a few of the highlights.
Check out these pictures from The Rescue ----->

I keep trying to consider everything that's happened this past year.
And I keep trying to write something that articulates how I feel about the passage of time. I don't know that I can. But time is the weirdest thing. It's not even real or tangible, but it controls our lives. It's sad to think that time is the only reason that I have some of the things that I currently have, or the reason that I lost some of the things that I used to have. I mean, what keeps me from the things that I once possessed and was unwilling to let go of? Only time.

7 years ago I was turning 13. So many things have happened since then. So much time has passed. So many people and things have came and went, and there have really only been two consistencies in my life throughout all of that time. And I can't even really say that I was one of those things.
Funny how that is.

Anyway, I have made peace with all of this, and I am excited to welcome the next year, and next decade of my life!
Time, time, time. I will defy you with my life and my love and my passion. Somehow, I will.

And tonight I'm going to a Death Cab For Cutie concert and I'm stoked!!!!

God has a lot to show me. I can hardly wait.

change is...

2009-04-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

...a vast and complex subject matter.
Well, I could pretty much say that about anything, right?
What I mean is that I can't decide if I want to say: "change is good," or: "change is really hard and it sucks," because I'm kind of stuck in the middle of those two.

Needless to say, I have been changing a lot lately.

It's been a year since my cat ran away. Part of me still doesn't get that... in the back of my head I still expect to find him hiding somewhere. Zack was amazing and we all miss him dearly.

It's been a week since my car died, and that was... interesting. Unfortunate, yeah, but I was very blessed to have things work out the way they did. I am learning to rejoice in the midst of my trials.
On Saturday I got to talk to Jon Foreman, and then Cassandra and I accidentally went to Blacks beach. That was quite a day.
Sunday (Greek Easter) was a great day too.
Unfortunately, on Monday I realized that I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends.
It sucked. But I was hurt and I was stuck in a terrible rut. I knew that this was the best possible way out. I had to surrender; and this time, it was completely. Cutting a person out of your life is a lot more intense than deleting your facebook (which I've done), but it was necessary.
As a result of this, I have seen a strange and bright and beautiful transformation in my life and my heart.

For the past few months I sat around in frustration asking WHY? Why me? Why this?
But the past few days I have seen a new spark and a new fire inside of me. I don't ask why, for I am completely in awe and I am excited to see what unfolds.

Tomorrow will be a fun day! I am working in the recording studio with David and we will hopefully get a few tracks down. Then I have work, and then Critical Mass!

And don't forget: Saturday night is The Rescue!!! Please, please check this out and be a part of this event!

Lastly,
In one week it is my 20th birthday.
Wow. In the span of the past year, I did things I never even thought I would do in my entire life. It was beautiful and wonderful and sad and crazy. 19 was a pretty freaking amazing age for me.

I think right now, though, I'm over being a teenager.
So it's a good thing I only have a week left. :)

p.s. The five biggest things I'm obsessing about right now are:
-Jesus,
-Avocados,
-My new camera,
-Invisible Children,
-THE JONAS BROTHERS.
Heck yes. I love them.

p.p.s. I just reread this and I don't want to make it seem like this certain friend of mine I had to say goodbye to was causing grief in my life in any way. He was actually insanely amazing and has encouraged me quite a bit. But it was a close friend of his that I really needed to eliminate contact with. Sad days, I know, but welcome to life.

15 more days...

2009-04-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

...until I reach the 20th year of my life.

The past few weeks have probably been the most interesting and high and low and insane in all of those 20 years.

Last night I spontaneously decided to skip my astronomy lab (it was raining... it's not like we could have done anything,) to go to an NA meeting.
Essentially, that changed my entire outlook on everything.
Yesterday I went downtown to volunteer. I've been working with Invisible Children a lot lately, and The Rescue is coming up, which I'm really stoked about.
Tomorrow I am not wearing shoes all day. This might become a habit, because it's awesome. But tomorrow I'm doing it for this reason.
And today, I laughed. I genuinely laughed like I have not laughed in a very long time.
It was glorious. My soul felt free once again.
And, I could blame this recent lack-of-laughter on quite a few things, but I have decided to throw those things out the window and dive even deeper into this unlimited hope and love in which I have found myself.

There is no escaping God's relentless pursuit of our souls. I might as well embrace all that he has.
I am slowly beginning to do this... after all of the pain, all of the confusion, all of the questioning, all of the frustration, all of the pointless detours; I finally am on the road again.
I know it will not be easy, but rather, it will be a slow and tedious tilling of the soil before sowing season. Before a new period of growth, before a new abundant harvest.

Now, I say this for no one but myself: I'm excited to see what happens.

Psalm 31

2009-04-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
don’t let me be disgraced.
Save me, for you do what is right.
Bend your ear down to listen to me;
rescue me quickly.
Be my rock of protection,
a fortress where I will be safe.
You are my rock and my fortress.
For your name's sake, lead me out of this danger.
Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
for I find protection in you alone.
I trust my spirit in your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are faithful.

I hate those who worship worthless idols.
I trust in you.
I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.
You have not handed me over to my enemies
but have set me in a safe place.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within.
I am scorned by all my enemies
and despised by my neighbors—
even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street,
they run the other way.
I am ignored as if I were dead,
as if I were a broken pot.
I have heard the many rumors about me,
and I am surrounded by terror.
My enemies conspire against me,
plotting to take my life.

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”
My future is in your hands.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
Let your favor shine on your servant.
In your unfailing love, rescue me.
Don’t let me be disgraced, O Lord,
for I call out to you for help.
Let the wicked be disgraced;
let them lie silent in the grave.
How great is the goodness
you have stored up for those who fear you.
You lavish it on those who come to you for protection,
blessing them before the watching world.
You hide them in the shelter of your presence,
safe from those who conspire against them.
You shelter them in your presence,
far from accusing tongues.

Praise the Lord,
for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love.
He kept me safe when my life was under attack.
In panic I cried out,
“I am cut off from the Lord!”
But you heard my cry for mercy
and answered my call for help.

Love the Lord, all you godly ones!
For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him,
but he harshly punishes the arrogant.
So be strong and courageous,
all you who put your hope in God!

I don't think that a psalm has ever been more applicable to my life.

Would I even like this Jesus?

2009-04-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

The following is a conversation that took place in late Febuary between Eric Snyder and I.
I was going to reformat it into story form, but that would take away from the 21st Century essence of the conversation, of which we are all so familiar. A few things were edited for spelling and grammar, but this is essentially exactly what was said.
Eric's words reprinted and edited with permission.

10:26PM
Eric: I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be human.
Well, at least right now i have. And is making the world a better place one of the things we are called to do?
morgan: yes! of course!
Eric: I would say that the world is affected by what we are supposed to do, but not the purpose.
morgan: God would not call us to make the world a worse place
As we often do out of our selfishness and ignorance and greed.
Eric: is that your left-wing hippie side talking?
well, that is true. I know that.
yeah
idk
im an idiot
i love the old testament
in deuteronomy!!! Care for the alien, the orphan, and the widow.
shit, son
wow, ha ha
swearing so soon after quoting the bible isn't a good plan.
morgan: hahah
Well, it depends, I think.
If it makes Jesus real and relatable, maybe it is.
Eric: huh?
swearing?
really?
I would say that swearing doesn't really live up who Jesus is
morgan: yeah
Eric: but it doesn't really lower Him down either. It all depends.
morgan: Lately I have been kind of obsessed with Jesus. And like, wondering what he would do if he was here right now. OK, specifically the idea of how he is real and where he is in the world...
It's hard to explain I guess.
Well, I've known Jesus for a long time, and "seen" him in many ways, but, like, I look around and I see the world and modern life and a big city and a street full cars and of stuff and of lonely, empty people all trying to figure themselves out, and I see music and media and television and advertisements and corporate slogans and all of this crazy stuff everywhere.
And where is God in all of this?
How is He real?
I think that anything that manages to bring Jesus to these big and busy crowded and empty places is a worthy thing.
I have a lot of trouble when I see cheesy people who seemingly live under a rock and have no sense of culture try to preach to people who are absorbed by media and modern culture.
Eric: I have thought about that too.
sad excuse for an evangelical.
morgan: If someone on the street handed me a cheesy-looking little rainbow paper that said "jesus loves you!!!" I don't think I would care except for the fact that I know Jesus already. But like, I think a lot of the things that "the church" does are very unappealing.
Like www.cbn.com for example.
It may claim to represent Christ, but I think it's complete crap.
Maybe their intentions are pure; but me--a young, modern, news-seeking individual--would never get news from that source.
It's just pathetic.
Jesus would watch CNN.
But at the same time He would be Jesus.
Eric: not being of the world is taken out of context?
morgan: What do you mean?
Eric: Well, like weird christians, who justify it by "not being of the world"
in and not of.
morgan: Oh, well, they are forgetting the in part
you have to be in an not of
not out and not of
Because then you might as well live in space and not interact with the world at all if you are going to be like that.
Eric: Yeah, i guess.
I don't know.
I agree, what would Jesus be like?
Would I even like this Jesus?
morgan: hahah
Eric: I'm serious.
morgan: Supposedly you love him.
Eric: I don't think I would.
I barely look at homeless people, and Jesus would be there with them. Talking to them, hanging out with them.
I love Jesus, now that I know who he is. If I didn't know that He was who He said He was then I would think he was crazy.
morgan: Goodness, do you have the song, "When I look at the World" by U2?
That song describes Jesus so perfectly to me.
Eric: listening...

What do you think?

my time spent in nor cal

2009-04-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

...was absolutely amazing!

I stayed at Berkley, I took BART and the bus to Santa Cruz and spent a beautiful day on the beach with Kara and Kris, and I explored downtown SF with the fantastical Imogen. The Bay Area is so wonderful!

best flight of my life

fisherman's warf

amoeba records: berkeley

santa cruz

imogen <3

Thanks, norcalians.

the last day of march.

2009-03-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, March!
What a crazy month. I liked it quite a bit.
I think it has been the best month so far this year, for me anyway.
Though today was weird.
I kept tripping over every little thing all day. And I used my time rather poorly, which is always a disappointment. For example: I when I came home from my afternoon class, I asleep on accident and then woke up thinking it was 8:30 in the morning... I missed my Astronomy class too, which really sucked. And i've been really disoriented all night.
But last weekend was very good! Strange, perhaps, but good!
I ran around all day Friday, got my car fixed (though it still sounds terrible) had lunch with my grandma, went shopping several times, went to balboa park for the planning meeting for The Rescue, then walked completely across downtown with Athan until the insane wee hours of the morning, among other interesting things.
Sunday was Athan's "surprise" birthday party, and I was designated to distract him, though he totally guessed that something was up because Evan was pretty obvious about some things. But I hiked up Battle Mountain to make Athan think that nothing was up, and the party was really great! The picture is a view from the top of the mountain, as taken by my cell phone.

Good and exciting things are afoot!
I'm going to San Francisco this weekend, for one. I get to stay at UC Berkely with my friend Imogen who I haven't seen in a few years. I'm super excited!

And, alright, so, here we are, a fresh new month. 30 days left of being a teenager. I'm excited to see what will happen!

Happy April!
Don't get fooled by anything... and watch out for that Confiker Virus!

take heart/my life

2009-03-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up.
Maybe for the first time in a long time. I really woke up.
Maybe this is hard to describe. But I shall try.
It's something I remembered, realized, began to live out, and now know with more assurance than anything else I can recall.
Today felt and saw and took in the whole big wide world around me and I realized how finite and temporary I really am.

But how did I ever forget this?
How did I let days and weeks munch up and pass by without even so much as a thought towards the external, the eternal?
How dare I become so wrapped up in myself?
I have been given this one life.
I am a human being. As strange and complex and mysterious as that is; that's what I am.
And so are you! We breathe, we think, we feel, we need.
We desire connection; we connect.
We try to live our lives. We experience love and hope and loss and pain and sorrow and joy and peace. But we are temporary.
Today I thought about all of the people that I know and what they go through. I thought about people in living in Africa without clean water or sufficient food. I don't know them, though.
But why?
They are people just like I am. How do I get to live this life of luxury, where I am mostly only concerned about phone calls or fixing my car or cleaning out my fridge full of too much food, when they must struggle each and every day just to find food? Just to live?
It isn't fair. I don't understand it. But again, this is life.

I think my soul became discontented with this temporary world a long time ago.

But again, sadly, in the past few months I have allowed the complexities and confusion and pain and frustration in my life distract me from that discontentment.
I just tried to live in a way that let me be content and satisfied with the world and who I am. I didn't try to seek anything more. I didn't try to change the world. Maybe as a habit I tried to change it, but my heart wasn't in it. I didn't really try to change it. I didn't follow God with everything that I knew, as I had for so long. It wasn't the driving force of my life.

Perhaps this is part of the reason:
Around this time last year, maybe as a way to shake off the remains from the post-high school shock that surrounded me, I began spending a large amount of time "seeking infinity," I guess you could call it. I began really soaking up the sunsets, breathing in the night sky and drinking in any and all infinite moments that I could come across.
I got into a lot of art and unusual music. I thrived on anything big and ethereal and transcendent. And while I never did any drugs, when I would dance for hours in the middle of the night with strange and stunning music blasting into my brain, you could definitely call it getting high.
Sometimes, I sought after this... this crazy, vague, definite, infinite feeling with all I had in me.
I have known God closely for most of my life, but then, my life seemed so terribly different and strange and uncertain. God needed to be found again in a new way.
I was young, I was lost. I was hopeful. I was confused. I was trying to figure it all out.
I wanted to see eternity. I still do.

But, well, as fate would have it I guess, around this time last year, I met someone.
He was unique. He was curious.
I listened to his meticulous and extravagant thoughts and I knew he was seeking this same sort of thing too.
I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his words, I felt it and I knew it in his perfect hugs.
He was bright, but he was also broken. We all are broken.
But I think then, he knew it, and he wanted so much more than that. He wanted to be whole.
I ate up every existential, philosophical, post-modern, inquisitive word that exuded from his lips.
He had a rare spark of light and life about him. His spark met mine and we exploded in a ball of light and thought and sound and beauty.
For days and weeks and months, we stated up until 4 am (and beyond) discussing life and death and art and music and God and heaven and hell and philosophical thought processes and anything and everything that we could wrap our minds around.
We faced life with enthusiasm: asking the big questions, dreaming the big dreams. Trying to figure it all out.
And things were good.
But then things progressed, as things tend to do, and I after a while I found myself in strange and unfamiliar territory. He and I slowly, cautiously, began to walk (but then eventually fell) in love. Then, it was perfect. It was something unlike anything I had ever dreamed.

But, well, long story short: All of that is over, and this boy is now gone from my life.
I cannot adequately explain why.
He wanted it to end and so he ended it. I lost a great friend.
I do know though, that through the course of our friendship, I lost sight of the important things that originally held us together. I sometimes found myself to be someone petty and selfish and shallow. I didn't recognize myself. I would complain about the little things that I should have let go of. I would worry about the things that I once knew were in God's perfect hands.
After a while, I didn't recognize him either.
I still don't.

Living without him was strange. It still is. At first I found it to be like living without your skin; you know something's missing.
If emotions were colors, I have felt the entire kaleidoscope by now. Part of me loved him and knew that I could love him forever no matter what, and part of me never wanted to see him again. Part of me wanted to be his friend again more than anything, and part of me wished that he was dead, so at least it would fucking make sense to have him gone. Part of me still cares about him, and wants to make sure that he is doing well. This part of me took over, I think. He and I were connected in so many ways that I found it easy to "check up" on him to find out how he was doing. I was confused and frustrated by his seemingly immature behaviour. I wanted to change him. I wanted to take control of the situation and wake him up and make him be the someone that I used to know and love.

Well, it was this feeling that made me lose sight of all of those bigger, more important things.
But today, I realized: God has much more significant things to teach me from this. This isn't about him and his journey, for I am no longer in control of that (I actually never really was). This is about mine. It's about who I need to become in order to further serve others and to figure out life.
Today I knew I had to step out in faith. And so I did.
I cut off all communication with him completely and I let it all go.
I love him deeply and I wish him well, but I can no longer check up on him or see how he's doing. I no longer want to.
Whatever happens with him now is completely out of my hands and in God's perfect control.

He will probably never even read this.
Que sera, sera.

Tonight I climbed a mountain. The same mountain I have climbed many times before.
In fact, the same one I climbed with this boy at my side, once upon a time.
But today I walked alone. I looked around at everything. I admired the gorgeous trees and plants and flowers (which come in every color imaginable) that adorned the roadside. Every effort of man to recreate such pristine beauty is simply a sad counterfeit. Nature defies us all with it's beauty. I then watched the sun set beneath the hazy atmosphere of this ephemeral world that we all call home.

Well, it's not really my home.
This is what I woke up and realized, anyway.
Again.
Tonight I cheered as the sun hit the horizon. I really did. I laughed and smiled and thought, "The end of another day. March 26th, 2009. It was a good one! It was full of love and learning and disappointment and everything... just, everything."
The sunset reminded me, not just of the end of another day in my tiny life, but also of how the sun defies all human efforts. It is eternal and way beyond any of our control.

Still, it's hard not to get caught up in everything. All the small things. Your own pain, the sorrows and disappointments you experience, the people who die from lack of clean water, the neglected, the scored, the selfish, the rich and poor, everything.

Jesus reminded me of something, though. He said, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

We so often get caught up in these small human dramas. In the tiny, fleeting things that we find important take over our whole lives.
On the grand scale of everything, what are they? Why do we let them rule us?
Really! Take heart! Jesus has overcome the world!

What I know now is that everyday when you wake up and you take a breath, you have a responsibility. Your responsibility begins right there. Right in the moment. Every single day.
You must remember this. This is your life.
All we have is now.

And all I have to say here is temporary, fleeting, ephemeral.

All I can hope to seek after is something that will outlive me.

God help me.

P.S. I realized the other day that staying at my grandma's house has been an emotional cross-section of my life. That will probably not make sense to any of you.
Also, I hopefully made this post long enough so that no one would read it except the people who really wanted to figure me out and rattle their own brains and challenge their own souls.
If that's you, then thanks for reading. I hope it at least made sense.

God, Trees & New Beginnings

2009-03-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

This is from an article from Radiant Magazine:

"A change of season is about as routine as it gets. Best I know, it has happened four times a year, like clockwork, as long as humans have been able to keep track of such things. But each time winter yields to spring, each time summer whispers to us that fall will soon arrive, nature is telling us a story. Nature is telling us the story of a God who is always creating, always remaking, forever crafting new beginnings. No matter how dry the sultry dog days of summer, no matter how bitter the winter death, new beauty, new life is always coming. It is only a matter of time."

This article was pretty intriguing to me, as I have been learning a lot about seasons lately.

Check it out here.

yay.

some things I've learned lately

2009-03-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

- The way I want things to happen, and the way I think that things should happen, are not the way that things actually do happen. Basically, you can't always get what you want.

- God's ways are much higher than my ways. He is in control of everything.

- I am way too much of an idealist. I am full of "shoulds." We learned about the "should fallacy" today in my communications class. I commit that one quite often.

- I don't think I know any real men. True manhood is verging on extinct these days. A good man is hard to find.

- It's very important to be generous. We should give all we can without asking for anything in return.

- Practice is hard, but it makes you closer to perfect than anything else.

- Innocence is in the interpretation of something.

- Life is fragile and beautiful and precious.

i've been havin' good days

2009-03-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

I like this time of March quite a bit!

There are a plethora of birthdays and little interesting holidays here and there.
And I was so busy this weekend that I didn't get a chance to blog about any of it.
Which is actually fantastic.
Real life happened.
I went outside and breathed the beautiful air and saw the snow on mt. baldy and looked at the stars and didn't have time to record it all on the dumb internet.
Now, the internet has it's value, and I use it and appreciate it for sure. But people who make things on the internet their whole lives are actually pretty sad and probably pretty lonely. Maybe get the hell off of youtube for a day and invest your time in other people, eh?
That's what made my weekend so great, anyway.

I don't think that I've ever had a weekend so completely packed full of stuff that didn't involve any specific plans.

Friday the 13th I spent the day up at Azusa with Eric. Athan and I drove the beautiful little RX-8 up there and it was SO AWESOME.

We went to Hebrew early in the morning, and then Eric and Athan and I went to chapel, where I learned that Jesus does not actually look like Jesus, but like a snotty rich guy who wanted to sleep with his sister, and then we explored a nearby college campus and made a zombie plan for it, and then we went to Vietnam, and then Athan left and we went to Eric's choir class, and then we ran into a protest, and then we tried to take the metro to Hollywood, but Evan whined so we didn't take the metro. Then we went to AMOEBA and Eric and I had a giddy field day.

When we got back, Eric was really out of it it and it was funny.
I want to say thank you to Dorè for letting me sleep on her very comfy couch and eat her ice cream. It was very nice!

Pi day (3.14) was pretty interesting. I didn't have a chance to sleep because I drove down LA at 4 AM and then Cassandra and I had to be downtown at 6:30 to be CPR certified!
I fell asleep during the instruction video, but I remembered everything from last year so I only missed one question on the test. Gary and I had a tea party later that day, and then I learned something about respect and human communication, but I learned it the hard way. It was tough.
I can't even say everything that happened, nor do I care to. That's part of the fun and mystery of life. You can't blog all of it.

Sunday was The Ides of March and Will's birthday! I went to RBBC, went to lunch with Will and other people from RBBC, including Tim Nellis, who is incredible, and then we had a little party for Will in the afternoon at the Bundy's. Also Madi came home and it was wonderful!!! It was so good to see her.

I got entirely too much glitter forcefully rubbed in my hair that night and it sucked.
After that, Athan and I explored a tiny tunnel that runs underneath a street. There were lots of spiders and a few frogs and the most brilliant echo I can think of. What happened was summed up pretty nicely in this note.
I got entirely not enough sleep, but I felt so wonderful!

Today in my Communications class my teacher asked us to name some emotions that we felt over the weekend.
I wrote down 45 emotions. Yeah, I quite a plethora of emotions. Most of them were really good. But boy did I experience a lot this weekend.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's day!

Oh, March. What a time!

Good Will Hunting

2009-03-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

I just watched Good Will Hunting. I was very impressed. I've seen it once before, but I think then I just didn't really "get" it.
This time it really hit me. It was pretty brilliant.

It's funny how one thing, such as a song or a movie or a piece of art, can hit you over and over again in different ways. This has been happening to me a lot lately

Anyway, here's an interesting quote form the film:

"You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you. I don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you."

Also, I'm going up to LA tonight to visit Eric at Azusa! I'm excited.
Then, hopefully I'll get to see Rocky Horror Picture show, and then Cassandra and I are getting CPR certified downtown once again. I don't actually plan on sleeping until Sunday.

I feel really, really good.
I think part of it has to do with something I learned in my astronomy class on Tuesday, and part of it has to do with the amazingly supportive friends that I have, and a lot of it has to do with Jesus.
I guess it also has to do with the new perspective I have which allowed me to see Good Will Hunting and realize how great it is.

Peace

idolatry

2009-03-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

I got this in an email today from Flood.

I thought it was very poignant, for it's something that every one of us has to deal with.

I am sometimes shocked by the blatant idolatry I see in the world around me. There are so many people who give themselves for nothing but success and for money and worship these things that are not the God that can save them. The worst part about it, is that there are definitely days where the place I can see it the most is in my own life. I'll put what others think about me over who I am to God and lose sight of what is really important. This week be thinking about what it is you tend to assign more value to than God. Maybe its your relationships, or maybe its your appearance, or maybe it is success, (or maybe it is YouTube or Twitter or Facebook or MySpace or Blogger or dailybooth,) but no matter what it is, give it to God and trust that He is more faithful than any created thing.
- Scott E. McGhee

I wish you well in dealing with (and killing) your idols.

Also, A very happy 13th birthday today to my little sister Isabella. Welcome to the craziest years of your life. :)

a very long text message.

2009-03-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

I had a really, really great weekend.
But not such a great day.
And so today, my good friend Athan sent me several long text messages, and this was one of them:

Mon, Mar 9 6:51 pm
Listen, I know how much it hurts to see someone you like showing attention to an idiotic jerk who does nothing but bring them down. Especially when that someone used to be involved with you. It cuts, stings, makes you cry and hurts real deep, [sic.] and really does nothing good at all. It just makes you bitter and angry and emotional. I mean, look at how Satan has used this situation against you! Where's the Morgan that's cheerful, loves life and can't wait to start something new? The enemy has completely gotten your gaze off of God using something that used to attract your gaze towards the Creator. Instead of focusing on God, the devil's been able to use this to turn you into something you're NOT.

Yep. That was pretty intense. But he was right.
Athan gets a gold star today for being an amazing friend.
So does Heather, for walking around wal-mart with me until really late to talk about all of this with me. And for helping me to feel at peace about all of this. And also for making me laugh. And for telling me not to pick out unhealthy cereal.
I am eternally thankful, you guys.

Also, this is very unrelated, but I keep watching it because it's impressive:

Beatbox Fame Game

Watchmen

2009-03-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

So at around 3 AM this morning I saw Watchmen.

I still don't know what I really think about it.

My first impression I guess, was that it definitely lived up to the hype.
It was epic and beautifully filmed. Every visual detail was stunning. It also was horribly violent and kind of disturbing.

There was way too much blood. And way too much sex. And way too much gore... pretty much everything typical of Zack Snyder.

The soundtrack however, which included Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'", Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound Of Silence, and All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix was obviously good, but confusing and inappropriate to the movie.

The book was amazing, and it's hard to give it a comparison to the movie... in some ways it was prefect, in some ways it was TERRIBLE because they changed so much of the book. Especially the ending...
My three word to review to eric was: "Zack changed everything." And well... he almost did.

Anyway, here is a review of the film on RELEVANT: http://relevantmagazine.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=16218
I agree.

The movie ended in the wee hours of the morning after the sun had risen... I took a nap of sorts and then went to the beach with Athan and then to dinner with my family, and I think the day still has quite a few more hours in it still. I most likely will watch Milo and Otis.

a little story from the day that is a sentence

2009-03-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today at school, I made a new friend.
He was very nice. He and I talked about a lot of different and interesting things, like music and art. He and I happened to like a lot of similar music, and we were able to exhaustively discuss the stylings of several different artists. It was refreshing.

Then, in the parking lot after class, he said, "I didn't think I was going to smoke today, but I guess I am going to." And he offered me a joint.

I left, surprised and a little sad.

I don't know how happy I am about this new friend anymore.

The End.

But, yes! March 4th! It is a great day and a great sentence!
And Jodi! I am praying for you and for that baby that is coming out of you!
Also, I am SO EXCITED ABOUT TOMORROW. YAY.

perhaps we are all getting a little out of hand

2009-03-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Twitter Frenzy

Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor

Also, this.

Left 4 Dead

2009-03-01T23:30:00.000-08:00

I had a really fun weekend. Today I went on a picnic on Coronado with Heather, Larissa, A-ron and Nicolie. It was great.
An interesting thing I noticed is that many of my discussions I had with people somehow ended up revolving around zombies... and when I spoke to A-ron, specifically the game Left 4 Dead.
He has played it a lot at his work, and over the past month or so, I have also played it way too much.

I freaking love this game. It is amazing.
And it is essentially just a horrifically violent game where you a survivor during a zombie apocalypse, and you have to kill zombies.

Ok, so why am I blogging about a gross video game? Well, there are a lot of reasons, one being that I used to be horrified of zombies, but I am no longer. But the biggest reason is because of an important spiritual metaphor that a friend of mine has shown me about this game.

He said that the zombies in the game are a lot like sin in our lives. And sin of course is missing the mark of perfection and straying away from the intended path for our lives.
And this was a great parallel! Because in the game, the zombies just keep coming and coming and the only way you can fight them is to constantly be on your guard.
And also, it emphasizes the necessity of community and teamwork.
For it is impossible to save yourself if you are pinned by a hunter or a witch or a tank or even just a hoard of zombies. You need to rely on help from other people!
And that is what Christianity is, and what life is: the continual reliance upon God and other people. No man is an island.
If you think you can do it on your own, you are probably dead or dying.

Another thing that Heather pointed out: People sometimes say that it is so hard to overcome sin, but really, if you focus on God, it isn't hard!
Because zombies will never sneak up on you. They can't. They are always screaming or making gross noises, so you can always tell when they are coming. Sometimes they catch you off guard, but they aren't really that sneaky.

I think that's as far as I feel like taking the metaphor right now. You can take it further if you like. I would love to give credit to the bright individual who first showed me this zombie/sin parallel, but I'm afraid that right now that is impossible.

Anyway, happy zombie killing everyone!

40 days of water.

2009-03-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

March is upon is!
Seemingly so soon, but here it is!

Something of note:

If you feel lead to join this at all, you should!
It should be quite an eye-opening adventure.
Happy March everyone!

the liberating relinquishment

2009-02-28T01:40:00.000-08:00

I woke up super early again this morning (though not quite as early as I wanted), and it was lovely.
Today was a very, very lovely day. I am tired now, but I wanted to say this:

Over the past week, I have found that my days have become increasingly lovely.
And not simply based on circumstance or environment, either. (Though those have been very lovely too!)
Allow me to explain:
I gave up a lot of things in my life that before, I thought that I couldn't live without. And it's freeing in a rather strange sort of way.

The older post I wrote, "on letting go" was the beginning. The first step.
This, now, is the realization of that post. I am now actually living out what I suggested then. And it's incredible.
Because when I wrote that previous post, I said that I needed to let things go, but now, I actually have.

First, I gave up my (once) best friend. At first I thought that I couldn't possibly do this. Which, it turns out, was exactly my problem. If you are unwilling to let someone go, this probably means that they have an unhealthy hold on your heart. And sadly, he sure did. But no longer.

Next, I gave up facebook. Not that I had a particular issue with it in the first place, but I spent too much time on it and it was too tempting for me to "stalk" people instead of genuinely investing time in them.

As of now, I have gone 6 whole days without logging onto facebook! Yes! I know!
That seems like nothing... unless you are an addict who logs on 15 times a day, like I did.

Also, my friend Eric is fasting from music for lent. Which is pretty intense.
But I admire him for it. Music can be overwhelming and dangerous, and one should be willing to cut it out for a time in order to focus on what is important.

Now you see, most of these things that we are asked to give up are not bad at all! In fact, I truly believe that things like friends and the internet and facebook and TV and music have made my life a whole lot better.

But, the essential questions is: can you live without these things? Can you give them up to pursue something better?

I try to think about this really deeply:

Everything I come across in this world is so temporary.
Even my heart, the very organ that allows me to live, and my lungs, what allow me to breathe each breath, are temporary.
And so, what if they went away?
Well, then I would be dead.

But there are still parts of me that would go on. I would still have a soul. There would still be a God, and the things in my life that I did out of love and for others would last.
And I think that it is these sort of things are what is really important.
And worth living for.

What hinders you from truly living? What prevents you from following the Author of Life?

Think about it.

There is a liberating freedom in letting go.

Tea Time

2009-02-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

I have a cousin named Gary.
I like him. He is fun.
He likes tea a lot.
Right now we are having a tea party.

He likes this website:
www.teavana.com

To quote Gary about the site: "Best tea blends ever. Jizz in my pants. Oh wait...that's a thing..."

Happy tea time everyone!

animal collective has eaten me alive

2009-02-26T01:47:00.000-08:00

oh my goodness.

The past few days while I was staying at my grandma's house, I started listening to animal collective a lot, and then suddenly I discovered that I was taken over by their music.
It seems silly, but I really have not discovered anything so strange and beautiful and unique and creative and grotesque and fun and weird and funny and sexy all at once like this.

The best part is that, for a very long time, I just thought that their music was "weird." Like, creative, sure; but also too trippy and strange and lacking some essential substance. But what I have now discovered is that the musics is real. Lyrically, it's honest and romantic and poetic and has a lot of depth.
Some of it still sounds like weird stoner music, sure. But it's good. I like it.

I had planned to just paste a bunch of lyrics from a bunch of their songs right here. But there are way too many that I love.
There are so many that I find amazing or that apply to my life right now. Or that I just find amazing in general. But a lot of them are odd or oddly specific, and you will most likely be left wondering about their context.
For now, I will leave you with just one.

In The Flowers:

Then we could be dancing
No more missing you while I'm gone.
There we could be dancing
And you'd smile and say, "I like this song"
And when our eyes will meet there
We will recognize nothing's wrong
And I wouldn't feel so selfish
I won't be this way very long

So, yes. Animal Collective.

Maybe I should quit them.
Maybe I should take a break.
But it's hard.
For I have already been devoured.

Please, don't listen to them.

In other news:
There's lots of other news.
I went to Belmont park and La Jolla shores with my teacher today (Wednesday) to record things with a $10,000 microphone and it was very fun.
I also have a lot of fun plans this weekend. I'm excited!
And no, they don't even include Disneyland. Sorry, Chris.

a list of things!

2009-02-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

Things I really like right now:

Waking up early, long walks, laughing at nothing in particular, Eric's choir concert, anything stop-motion, bees, doing sound and lights on Monday nights, Watchmen, the RELEVANT podcast, mardi gras, dancing, whenever the turn signal of the car in front of you matches the rhythm of the music you are listening to, sunrises, epiphanies, photographs, eating dinner at Beef n' Bun with Courtney and my crazy professor, new music, http://www.kiva.org, sunsets, bacon cheeseburgers, cooking pizza, food in general, old music, twitter, my professor asking me weird questions about twitter, playing the piano, Welcome to the Welcome Wagon (the sound and the look!), music in general, dressing up, trees that are huggable, things that are soft, cats, dogs, encouraging words, fast cars, sexy-looking cars, laughing at something in particular, reading, finding things that were lost, bow ties, the bible, people named Tim, listening to old Switchfoot songs that I haven't heard in a while, Switchfoot in general, moments when you look at the sky and realize that life is a precious and amazing gift, the planet venus, all of my wonderful friends whom I deeply love and am very thankful for, my weird family, two jackets, Jesus.

Things I really dislike:

Low-fidelity audio, 15 pairs of ugly pants that don't fit, split ends, gross boys who only talk about drugs and pornography, gross boys, drugs and pornography, discouraging words, freaking out over nothing, wasting time, the fact that I am unorganized, when dogs eat my stuff, cheesy "Christian" things that don't represent Christ at all, losing something you really love, cars, bruises, sin.

dogs vs. cats

2009-02-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

I think I decided that I'm not really a dog person anymore.

Well, I never was a "dog-person" but I'm not as much of a "dog-liker" anymore.
[/stubtle reverence to a Demetri Martin joke]

I actually love both animals quite a lot! I have owned incredible cats my whole life, and while I love them immensely, I have always wanted a dog, and secretly loved them more.

But right now I am house sitting for my grandma, and her dogs (two little dachshunds) have been acting like spoiled toddlers lately. Yesterday I bought a small box of peanut butter candy eggs from the Dollar Tree, and I had them in a plastic bag in my backpack which I put on a desk. I thought that they were safe there. In fact, I didn't even think about them. But when I got home from church, my backpack was ripped open, and there were pieces of plastic bag and candy box everywhere... and all of the candy was gone.
I hope my grandma doesn't read this blog. Because I feel really bad and I probably won't tell her about that.

So, yeah, dogs are cute, friendly, loyal, faithful, trainable, more adventurous and fun, but they just majorly lost some points right there. Also, the dogs are whining really badly right now and they won't shut up.
Sigh.

Plus, when I drove up to the house last night, I opened my car door and then this really awesome cat jumped up into my car and sat in the passengers seat. His name was Oliver. He was pretty cool.

Anyway, feel free to participate in this great and endless debate.

Also, a new RELEVANT podcast is up!
Check it out!

Dear Eric,

2009-02-22T16:00:00.000-08:00

Hello.
This is a letter written to you, Eric.
I am writing this to you because lately, you have been a very good friend to me and you have listened to me and you have taken a lot of crap from me.
This could be because you are far away at school and you don't have a lot of other friends there, but either way, I appreciate it.

I want to say that I was right about the hammer.

The kiss was the hammer.
The hammer that drove the nail into the coffin that held my dead friendship.

The friendship that once sailed so beautifully is now dead.
And the coffin is nailed shut.

I will admit that I am a little sad, but no, I am not bitter.
I'm tempted to be hurt and confused and upset, because you and I both know that I didn't want things to happen like this.
In fact, I don't really know what I did to cause this, and perhaps it was not me at all.
But I am not going to be upset or angry. I am just going to accept it.
So please, dear Eric, do not tell me to try to do anything about it or change it, because I can't. And that doesn't really matter anyway, now does it?

I wish I was wrong about the hammer. But I was not.

The only hope I hold is that I know the God whom I love and serve and trust, and am learning to love and trust more and more and more each day, can resurrect the dead.
He has done it before and will do it again. All that he requires of me is for me to trust him and to follow him, which I am learning to do all over again.

Thank you for sharing that passage from Job. It was really beautiful.
Things right now are alight, and they will get much better.

Also, tonight I get to see you sing while wearing a bow-tie! I am excited.

Thank you for reading and understanding.

Your friend truly,

Morgan

P.S. I realize that my hammer metaphor potentially gives a whole new meaning to the quote: "The hammer is my penis." from Dr. Horrible. I find that hilarious.

today my fortune cookie said this:

2009-02-22T14:30:00.001-08:00

I agree, cookie.

lately

2009-02-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

This is a conglomeration of the books, movies and music that have impacted/influenced me lately.

I was going to explain each one of them, and how and why I decided to listen to/read/watch them, but that would take too many words to say.

Some things have been for school, some because of friends, some because I wanted to re-discover some of the older gems that I previously cherished. A few of them have some fun and long stories behind them

But I'm trying to not say so many words. I talk too much as it is.

However, if you want me to explain any of these, just ask! I certainly shall!

(P.S. I filled this with yummy surprises!)

on letting go

2009-02-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

Life is, and continues to be, a crazy, beautiful and impossible mystery.

People are born, relate to each other and live their lives and learn and grow and discover things and seek after God and help other people and hurt other people and here am I in the midst of all of that trying to figure it out.

Around this time last year, I really thought that I knew who I was and exactly what I wanted; but it turns out I'm still growing and learning and changing.

I am learning once again what it means to let go. What it means to trust God. To really trust him. To trust him with my life and my heart and my future and my job and my finances and my relationships and everything. Learning what it means to be who I am called to be and to live out my purpose.

Through this, I also sadly realized that I had held a (metaphorical) death-grip around the throat of one of the best and most amazing friends that I have ever known. This was hurting him, and tragically, further killing the relationship that I was so desperately clutching to. For this I am truly sorry.

But what I did (what I realized was the only thing I could do), was I let him go. It was maybe one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I did it.
I burned the bridge that had held us so closely together, and I trusted that God would take Kenny's life into His perfect hands.
Maybe one day the bridge can be rebuilt, but right now that's not what is important.

What is important is the new freedom I have found in this letting go and trusting.

Friends, air particles, you should try this!
Take the most important person or thing in your life and let it go. Give it up to God. (Unless of course the most important thing in your life is God, in which case, that is good.)
But, you will be amazed at how your life becomes whole again when you trust the one who created your life to truly take control of it.
It is the freedom that Christ died to afford me; this I know.

Well, I think those are enough words for now.
Tonight I have to write an "identity paper" for my communications class.

We shall see how that goes.
I find myself rather hard to define.

a real family

2009-02-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a fun and interesting day.

I got a new phone and had a fancy lunch with my mom and saw the movie Coraline (which was only amazing because of the 3D, which was amazing) among a few other fun and interesting things.
Also, I had planned to go downtown to see Fiction Family (whom I love and adore in every way) at anthology with Courtney.
But unfortunately, the tickets were sold out. Entirely.

I was actually... completely alright with this.
Which I realized shows that my heart has grown a lot. I year or two ago I would get rather upset when I couldn't see a concert that I really wanted to go to. I placed a lot of importance on those things. And I still do find them wonderful and important, but also, now, my heart is in a better place.

Well, instead, Courtney and I met up with Athan and Becca, and we had several serious discussions about our lives and God and death and the bible and spiritual issues and everything, and it was pretty incredible.
Also, we exchanged a bunch of greeting cards. This is a fun practice that I recommend. But I guess it's really hard to explain (Athan...), so I'll tell you about it later.
I really love my friends and I'm immensely thankful from them.

So, I didn't spend the night with Fiction Family, but instead with my real family. Well, my friends. But you get the idea.

And today was an arrested development marathon.

I have not made a huge mistake.
Life is beautiful.

this week...

2009-01-28T23:00:00.000-08:00

School started this week and all of my classes are wonderful and I'm really glad to be back in an environment that I love and studying all kinds of amazing stuff.
i.e.: Audio Production, Piano, Mass Media, Astronomy, Interpersonal Communication, et cetera.

I didn't pass my orchestra audition, which I'm actually really happy about, but that leaves me with one less class than I had before. Maybe I'll have to add something else.

The unfortunate thing is that actually having a structured schedule has not really done anything to make my time less unorganized.

The past few weeks, and month, and all of 2009 so far actually, have been very discombobulated and confusing and hard for me to keep straight in my head.
That isn't to say that things haven't been good, or that my wonderful friends haven't been there for me, or that I haven't done any cool or nice or fun things, because actually I have.

However, this past month has probably been, spiritually speaking, one of the worst months of my life.

But do not fret or lose hope! God is still teaching me, and I am still learning.
I've once again turned my heart to him and begun to eagerly listen to his calling, and things are getting much better already!
I just needed to admit that the past month hasn't been so great.
I feel really good today though, and it is very nice to know that the lining is silver, and that the God who holds the stars in the sky can hold my tiny infinitesimal life in his loving hands and that he will show me an even greater hope than I had before.

Peace.

conversations

2009-01-25T23:50:00.000-08:00

"Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time. It is a way of conveying respect. Conversation reminds us that we are part of a greater whole, connected in some way that transcends duty or bloodline or commerce. Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless."

- Taken from the book God's Debris

Thanks.

The Fleecing - Pedro the Lion

2009-01-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

Deep green hills whose shoulders fade, into the gray tall wet grass.
Whose flesh makes fools of grazing sheep, whose fleecing makes a fool of me.

And who shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble?
For every stupid struggle?
I don't know.
I could buy you a drink.
I could tell you all about it.
I could tell you why I doubted, and why I still believe.

But I can't say it like I sing it.
and I can't sing it like I think it.
and I can't think it like I feel it.
and I don't feel a thing.
Oh no... I don't feel a thing.

And who shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble?
For every stupid struggle?
I don't know.

I could buy you a drink,
I could tell you all about it.
I could tell you why I doubted, and why I still believe it.
And why I need it.
And what the pharisees don't see.

And we'd have more drinks. We'd speak of so many things.

But I don't know you, and you don't know me.

- David Bazan.

And if you thought you had a bad 2009 so far:
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24936304-662,00.html

Peace.

San Francisco, Marshall Scotty's, and other things

2009-01-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been interesting.

Since I have tried and failed to write my thoughts out in a cohesive manner, here is a bulleted list of stuff:

- Last weekend I drove up to San Francisco with my mom.
We drove my grandpa's new Mercedes Benz convertible which was insane and rather swanky. We stayed at my Aunt's new house in Oakland. It was really awesome. I wanted to stay there forever. My mom and I are pretty different, but it was still really fun spending all of that time with her.

- We went to the Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMA)
This made me think a lot about art (obviously). It made me realize that I like seeing art in life and not just in a museum. It's not that museum art isn't amazing, it's just not as good as life-art.
As an artist, I find this encouraging.
I could write an entire post about this, but, let me just say that there were a few things in the museum that puzzled me. One was a small room full of sand.
What is the purpose of this? Is sand really art? Is it only art if you put it in a small room a certain way? or is it art when it's at the beach or on a playground or in your shoes or in your pants?
I like to think it's all of those.
I think life is just better when everything becomes art.
I think God is an artist and that he made stuff as his art. Art with a purpose, of course. But, well, we don't have to live our lives in a museum is what I'm trying to say, I think.
Sorry if I lost you there.
Anyway:

- I discovered this place that I used to frequent as a child called "Marshall Scotty's Playland" in east county. It is a small amusement park with a several traditional fair-type rides, and I'm pretty sure I had a few birthdays at as a child.
It has since been abandoned, and is broken down and very overgrown.
So, naturally, I went there with my friends.
It was really cool.
Then we got attacked by a dog.
Thankfully, No one was hurt.
Pretty much, we went in the park, walked around, marveled at the old abandoned rides like the bumper cars and the go-kart track, and then I pointed towards the tree-infested Ferris wheel, and as we walked towards it in near-total darkness, we heard a loud voracious bark very near to us. Courtney and Ian ran away faster than I thought possible, and were over the fence in about a second. Kenny and I were right near the dog and I yelled to hold still and not to run so that it couldn't chase us. It didn't. Which was nice.
I learned that on a scale ranging from Flight to Fight instincts, my friends would be placed: Ian, Courtney, Will, Me, Kenny. (Ian being the flightiest and kenny being the fightiest)
The whole experience was a huge rush and was amazing, but I'll probably never go back there again. :)

- Thursday, this guy at my work whom I hardly know asked me to see a movie with him... which you intelligent air particles would understand to be a date. I didn't get that at first. I just wanted to see a movie. But I guess it was a date. It was a lame date. It was a cool movie, but I really don't want to date anyone right now. I really need to communicate this clearly next time.
And no, Eric, I did not find Gran Torino cry-worthy. I'm sorry. Also, Crash is better.

- Friday morning I randomly threw up and I don't know why. I haven't done that in a while. Since before my senior year of high school, actually. Throwing up is kind of a fear of mine. But, well, I guess it's just one of those things. I think I'm slightly more OK with it each time that it happens to me. Not that I ever want it to happen to me again.

- Saturday (yesterday) I had a weird day. I was at work and then I got a pretty bad headache, so I went behind the register and stood there for a moment and took a drink of water, and then remembered I'm not supposed to just stand around drinking water, so I went back to organizing stuff. Well, then a few hours later my manager came to me and said he saw me standing behind the register doing nothing and that I shouldn't be doing that, because that's rather lazy of me, and so I got written up for it. It sucked. I didn't argue, I just said sorry and that I understand.
And then when I left his office I cried quietly to myself. I don't even know what to say about that. That's just the way it is.

- But! After work I went to A-ron and David's birthday party and it pretty much reconciled every lame thing that happened to me so far this whole year because it was so much freaking fun.
Happy birthday A-ron!

- Also this week, I realized something that I hadn't before, I rediscovered something wonderful that I can't believe I forgot about, and I made a very unusual but hopefully wise decision. We'll see how it plays out.

- Wednesday I have my audition for the Grossmont Symphony Orchestra and I'm really excited and nervous and will spend the next few days practicing.

- There are many things still left unsaid.

Sorry about the length of this and my lame posting format.
I'll get better at this.

God willing, we'll all get better.

2009: the year of awe (and other goals)

2009-01-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

So, I realize that 2009 is well underway at this point, and that I'm kind of behind on my blogging. I'm behind on a few other things too, which can get annoying.

This year so far has been interesting.
Yesterday I went to Disneyland with Cassandra and it was SO MUCH FUN!
Wow. I forgot how impressive that place is.

But, yeah; I wanted to use these words to lay out some goals that I have for this year:

- Learn to worship God in the truest way possible. (This might take some creative thinking/living, but it should be worth it.)

- Write a poem every day. (So far so good!)

- Write and record a lot more songs. (I'm thinking at least 50)

- find the lyrics for the 2004 classic Louis XVI and record it.

- Get my AA and degree from Grossmont (and get good grades! Last semester I got all A's and I think that that was a good thing to do... I should try to keep it up!)

- Intern (or get a job) with a sound company

- Be more organized

- Help someone in need (hopefully more than one someone)

- Make someone's life better

- Spend less time on the computer (Funny... because I also want to maintain my blog; but I think I'll be able to find a balance.)

And my most interesting and perhaps most important goal:

- To be in awe.

I've noticed that as I've gotten older that I've started to "get used to" things really easily. Lots of things can get familiar and I can easily get complacent in the way I act sometimes.
But you know what, I'm sick of feeling jaded. I'm sick of feeling sick and tired of things!
I want to be in awe of life and I don't want to take the amazing beauty around me for granted.
So that's my goal.

I'll leave you with this:

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." - Buddha

Bye for now.

two thousand eight

2009-01-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

some thoughts.

I really wanted to make a post that summarized the year of 2008, but I am unsure how I can.

I might just try to recall (in a several formats) a few of the highlights:

The great year of oh eight started well and I spent a lot of time with my friends and family having fun and learning and growing and trying new things.
Courtney and I adventured like crazy (not too unusual), but i got to come across a whole year's worth of new things.
It was definitely a year of firsts for me. A lot of interesting little firsts, things like: first time I've been to Asia, done sound for a live show, eaten scorpions, gotten straight A's in school (I've gotten close before!), been put in a straight jacket, been to Texas, been to a college basketball game or a professional football game or a game at petco park, and first time I've cried because of a movie. Just fun stuff like that. I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of them at the moment...

In 2008 I traveled on more airplanes than ever before: I went to and from Davis (Sacramento) in January, in May I went to Texas (via a flight to SanFran and then to San Antonio and then a drive for 5 hours across the edge of the state to South Padre Island and then on the way back a flight to Phoenix and then San Diego... so 4 planes total) with my girl scout troop. (yes, I was in girl scouts, but no, I'm not anymore.)
And then my big trip of the year was obviously China! (Via Los Angeles and Tokyo... and I did fly from LA to SD on the way home... that was a fun little flight in a TINY plane.)
But, well I actually didn't want to talk about China yet, but I have a whole blog about China: morganhasablog.blogspot.com
You should read it if you like reading things that I write... about China...

Anyway, before the summer, I had my spring semester of my freshman year at Grossmont (and Cuyamaca) and I took: Philosophy, Biology, Photography and Audio Production.
At that point I was practically bent on having a quadruple major, and majoring in all of those subjects. This obviously does not seem very feasible, so, for now I'm just majoring in Audio.
While studying philosophy, I read the book Sophie's world, and I think it's incredible and that you should read it if you are in any way interested in philosophy. (see the quote in the previous post about the books you read.)
- My fall semester (after China), consisted of more Audio Production, Motion Picture and Film Analysis, Astronomy, and Music Technology. All of those classes were amazing and I can not really believe it but that semester flew by like none other. I feel like I just blinked and now it's gone... I guess it was a great semester, but I wish it would have taken it's time.

- I checked a few things off of my "to do before I die" list, and one of them was that I met Charlie Peacock!
He has really encouraged me and inspired me (both musically and spiritually) over the years. Meeting him was amazing and we got to talk for a few hours after his show at lestats and after he spoke at NCCC the next night. Thanks again, Charlie.

Another thing off of the list: I went to the Great Wall of China, which was (obviously) pretty great.

- In March I "met" an interesting person named Kenny Becker, and in April we became really, really great friends. It was kind of like magic or something.
Don't ask me how it happened, because I'm still trying to figure it out. Anyway, meeting and getting to know and adventuring with and staying up until 4AM talking about life and God and the universe and everything in between with Kenny has been an unusual and incredible and very significant part of this year.

- I got to do a screening of the new Invisible Children film, "Go" this year, which was great.
And going to Texas over that one three day weekend in May was fun, and around that time I read this really interesting book called God's Debris. It's a thinker. Read it if you want your head to implode.

- I think I struggled with God more this year than any other. I've been a Christan for almost 10 years now and have always had a very strong faith and belief. And it's still very strong, but this year has been more of a struggle. Maybe I'll post about it later. But for now it's all good. God is good anyway, even if I don't always wish to acknowledge it.

- Something that kept me alive and happy and strong over 2008 was of course, music.
I went to a few incredible concerts: Explosions in the Sky, Jon Foreman, Mae and The Honorary Title, Radiohead, The Rocket Summer, Switchfoot (only three times this year), and Sigur Rós (which was one of the best of my life!).
I saw the rocket summer in the spring with my friends courtney and cassandra and staci, and I then saw the rocket summer again in the fall... but this time (miracle of the year right here) a boy came along! Yes it was kenny, and no, he was not bound and gagged or drugged or bribed. He likes the rocket summer. Ha.

It seems to me, looking back, like my year was divided into 3 major sections.
Spring semester, Summer/China, and Fall semester/after China.
The most amazing thing is that at the beginning of 2008, I had no idea that I was going ot go to China! No plans at all! But I was presented the opportunity, and I took it, and before I knew it I was off on the aadventure of a lifetime. It really showed me that God can do anything that he wants. Take it or leave it, it's true.

I guess China was probably the biggest sticky-out thing that happened to me.
And I guess, historically speaking, voting in the November election was also pretty significant.
"Beijing 2008" and "Obama/Biden 2008" are two slogans from this year that will not easily be forgotten.

There were also many more adventures, musics, movies, birthdays, plays (like Romeo and Juliet, and A Midsummer nights dream), magical moments, books, NCT shows, meetings, classes, debates, and great times this year.
- I want to personally thank my friends for being there for me this year: Athan, Courtney, David, Eric, Evan, Kenny, Matt, Will, Abbey, Becca, Madi, Cassandra, Maya, Heather, Larissa, A-aron, Allie, Gary, and everyone I met and befrended in China.

On the other side of the coin, plenty of lame things happened this year too, like my car broke down a lot.
But probably of one the worst things that happened to me, though, was that my cat ran away.
The last time I saw Zack was in April and I really miss him terribly. He was everything anyone could ever want in a cat. He was my closest friend for almost 8 years, and I never really got a chance to say goodbye to him, which I don't even know how to deal with sometimes.

Zack, I love you and you are missed.

Well, that was my year.

In a lot of jumbled, marginally-coherent, not-chronologically-ordered words.

I just had to get it out, I think.

I we had a good year.

Now lets have another.

the end of two thousand and eight

2008-12-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me: "You'll be the same person a year from now as you are today, except for two things - the people you meet and the books you read."

Well, in 2008 I've read a few great books and I've met a lot of amazing people, so in some ways I know that this past year has changed me a lot.

I guess all I can say now is that it has been a really, really good year.

And that I am very excited to welcome another one.

Happy 2009.

What should I blog about?

2008-12-28T01:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right.
I'm asking you.

I don't really know who you are.

At this point I am assuming you are a small collection of air particles. Or maybe a few thousand million ones and zeroes.

I don't know, but if by some miracle of time and space and internet technology you stumble upon these words and feel the desire to respond: I am listening.

And I am asking you:
What matters? What do you think is important? What do you need to hear? What should I write about?

Please let me know.

I'm waiting.

christmas

2008-12-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

I don't really know what to say about Christmas.
I doubt that I am informing anyone that December 25th is Christmas day, because I'm sure you already knew that. I think most people do.

And I don't know how to adequately reflect on a day like this. Nothing especially unique or eventful has happened on this particular day in 2008.
Perhaps I cannot reflect upon Christmas.
Maybe I will eventually, but not now.
I think that perhaps the reason I feel this way because I feel that Christmas has snuck up on me this year. This whole year has actually been pretty sneaky. I wasn't exactly prepared. But here it is, and now it has come and gone.

I don't know how you feel about Christmas.
I don't know how the world feels about Christmas.
It is a "special occasion" for many, and a religious holiday, or maybe a day when an obese man breaks in and leaves gifts in your socks and steals your sweets, or maybe it is just another day.

I hope that you like Christmas.
I'm beginning to like it more and more, I think.

Today it is a rainy day. Or maybe a melted-snow day.
I like to think of it as a melted-snow day. That makes San Diego seem slightly more exotic, I guess.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a happy Thursday, happy December 25th, happy Boxing-day eve, and most of all:

And a big THANK YOU to everyone who wished me merry and well on Christmas, I got so many messages that my phone got mad at me. :)

Sticks and Sand

2008-12-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

Boys and Girls and relationships.

Lately I have been thinking about friendships and relationships that I have with people, and why some are really, really good and strong and lasting, and why some are not.

I came to realize (by the magic power of extended metaphors) that often times, people, specifically girls, build their friendships and relationships out of sand; like sandcastles.

Think about this.
Two friends can take ordinary piles of sand and work together to make them something beautiful and fun and useful. Castle walls are built of common interests, shared experiences, favourite movies and books and music, even shared sorrows or tragedies.

Girls must spend time investing into each relationship; and, if they spend their time and effort making a great sandcastle, then it will become a glorious and wonderful thing.

But, sadly, if they do not actively spend time building and maintaining their relationships, it seems as though the waves and wind of time and distance take their toll, and the sandcastle begins to crumble.

And what's even worse is that sometimes, when many girls are not actively building someone else up, they are busy tearing them down. (You know these girls... and probably don't like them or have been hurt by them.) They kick at the sandy castle walls, collapsing glory into a mess.

Now, I am obviously not a boy, but to me, boys seem a lot more simple and straightforward.
Sand and sandcastles are complex. I did not think that boys could be using the same sand that my fellow females and I were using.
I'm not saying sandcastles aren't or can't be great, but I knew through observation and experience that boys must build their relationships out of something different.

When I told Eric about this sand idea, he said that guys build their relationships out of wooden sticks.

Sticks are strong and sturdy, but, they are still susceptible to decay. They can crack and peel and break, but overall, a house made of sticks will last much longer than a house made of sand; even when little or no effort is put into maintaining it.
And he added, "Only a really big fire could completely destroy a house of wooden sticks."

This was an enlightening moment for me. I realized that most of the friendships I have with guys are, from their perspective at least, built with sticks. They trust me and they know that I will still be there and be their friend even if we don't actively invest in each others lives.
It was hard for me before, because I sometimes wondered why they seemed to put such faith in sandcastles that I knew would crumble without maintenance. But, they were not in fact sandcastles, they were stick houses (with maybe a little sand on top for decoration).

Now, I do know for a fact that I have many other relationships build of sticks. Even with girls, and especially with certain girls, I know the friendships I have are solid and strong and I trust that even if I spend a lot of time away from these friends, we will still be friends.

There are some friends, on the other hand, who at one point in time were very, very close to me, but had only built things out of sand. We spent our days sculpting intricate corridors, tall towers and deep dungeons, but after a while, I was forced to walk away from this particular sandcastle and move to others along the beach. And sadly, the choices that these friends made did not nurture our castle, but rather allowed it to wither and collapse. I still have the memories, the love and kindness and fun that I shared with these people, but they since have become just piles of sand.

I might still use sand sometimes, but a combination of sticks and sand are what keeps many of my friendships solid.

There is much, much more that can be said about this, but for now, here's to sticks, sand, and lasting friendships!

Happy Winter Solstice!