a year ago

A year ago today I was in Texas.
South Padre Island to be exact.
I woke up too early after too little sleep and saw the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico.
It was new, beautiful, southern, sunburnt, humid, human.
I year ago I had wild, crazy fun, and I never thought twice about it or regretted it.
I had a smile on my face that would not go away.
A year ago I had a plan. Several, in fact. A year ago I looked ahead and saw those plans come to pass, blossoming into things bigger and brighter than I had ever dreamed.
A year ago I had a best friend who I enthusiastically shared my life with. And he with me. He and I poured out our hearts and grew in leaps and bounds.
A year ago I stayed up until 4 am excitedly discussing philosophy and existential thought and life and death and beauty and values and morals and everything under the sun.
Stayed up until 4 am, many, many nights in a row but was never tired.
A year ago I was working on my photography final. I completed an insanely creative portfolio, and loved everything about it. It's been a year since I've been in the dark room, putting my hands into the developer, breathing in the strange smells of hard work and creativity.
A year ago I was eagerly getting ready for China.
I had no way of getting there, but somehow I knew I was going.
Each day when I looked at the calendar, I would smile with the anticipation.
A year ago a lot of things were different. But still, many, many things are the same.
I year ago there were so many things I didn't know. That I had never seen. Never touched or felt or knew with all of my soul.
Music means more to me now. A whole lot more. I hear it and take it in and feel it differently.
Also, when you hear a Brittney Spears or Kelly Clarkson song and it seems like the words were taken from the pages of your life, you know that your life is different than it was a year ago. Most assuredly.
A year ago I never really knew pain or sorrow. I never knew true generosity or selflessness; greed or bitter selfishness. I never knew true love, joy, bliss, lust, or infatuation either. Not like I do now.

Perhaps I've said this before... but the idea of time still haunts me now and then.
You know, time. Not just clocks, but this crazy passing of minutes and hours and days that happens to all of us all at once and that we have zero control over.
There are so many things I had a year ago that I no longer possess. Some of those things I want back, but lots of them I don't.
I am finally at a point (after many long journeys) where I am okay with all of this. Ok with being where I am. Happy, actually.

Though some things are still confusing, unfortunately. As much as I am over it all of the (ultimately insignificant) drama that happened, it is still weird from time to time. And sometimes it does still sting a little.
It's weird for me to consider that best friend I once had, and then loved, and then lost.
It's weird seeing him do things he promised that he'd do with me, with someone else. With a new friend. A new girl.
Someone who is sadly just a replacement.
A replacement, like I was. A replacement for headphones in his ears, for the music in his mind. A replacement for the drugs, for the fun, a replacement for something he really, truly needed, but had such trouble finding.
In a way, this girl is a replacement for me, and she is walking down a similar path that I did a year ago.
You can deny these words all you want, but they are some of the truest ones I know.
She has no idea what she's getting into.
And how could she?
Did I?
No.
Does that really matter though?
Not anymore.
A year ago I was very naive.
Now, do I wish that I was back there? Where I was?
No. Not anymore.
Maybe a month ago I did, but no longer.
I have a strong peace now, about whatever happens. Even in the midst of this weirdness. I have peace.
I am happy to be where I am now. I am once again excited about the future that God has for me. It's unclear in a lot of ways, but that is part of the adventure, isn't it?
A year ago I knew less than I know now. I am very thankful for that. For, at least I have learned. A year ago I had a lot to learn.
And I still do.

Today was good. Very good. It was a day filled with laughter and fun and friends and prayers and music and really, really good food. It was no day in Texas, but honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better day.
Except for one thing: 2008, you are gone. I loved you more than words can describe, and I'm thankful that you happened, and I will always remember you fondly.
I just wish you would just stop haunting me. You really need to.

Because today is all we have, and the future is all that we can look towards because it is all that will ever happen.

I can only wonder where I will be a year from now.