Sticks and Sand

Boys and Girls and relationships.

Lately I have been thinking about friendships and relationships that I have with people, and why some are really, really good and strong and lasting, and why some are not.

I came to realize (by the magic power of extended metaphors) that often times, people, specifically girls, build their friendships and relationships out of sand; like sandcastles.

Think about this.
Two friends can take ordinary piles of sand and work together to make them something beautiful and fun and useful. Castle walls are built of common interests, shared experiences, favourite movies and books and music, even shared sorrows or tragedies.

Girls must spend time investing into each relationship; and, if they spend their time and effort making a great sandcastle, then it will become a glorious and wonderful thing.

But, sadly, if they do not actively spend time building and maintaining their relationships, it seems as though the waves and wind of time and distance take their toll, and the sandcastle begins to crumble.

And what's even worse is that sometimes, when many girls are not actively building someone else up, they are busy tearing them down. (You know these girls... and probably don't like them or have been hurt by them.) They kick at the sandy castle walls, collapsing glory into a mess.

Now, I am obviously not a boy, but to me, boys seem a lot more simple and straightforward.
Sand and sandcastles are complex. I did not think that boys could be using the same sand that my fellow females and I were using.
I'm not saying sandcastles aren't or can't be great, but I knew through observation and experience that boys must build their relationships out of something different.

When I told Eric about this sand idea, he said that guys build their relationships out of wooden sticks.

Sticks are strong and sturdy, but, they are still susceptible to decay. They can crack and peel and break, but overall, a house made of sticks will last much longer than a house made of sand; even when little or no effort is put into maintaining it.
And he added, "Only a really big fire could completely destroy a house of wooden sticks."

This was an enlightening moment for me. I realized that most of the friendships I have with guys are, from their perspective at least, built with sticks. They trust me and they know that I will still be there and be their friend even if we don't actively invest in each others lives.
It was hard for me before, because I sometimes wondered why they seemed to put such faith in sandcastles that I knew would crumble without maintenance. But, they were not in fact sandcastles, they were stick houses (with maybe a little sand on top for decoration).

Now, I do know for a fact that I have many other relationships build of sticks. Even with girls, and especially with certain girls, I know the friendships I have are solid and strong and I trust that even if I spend a lot of time away from these friends, we will still be friends.

There are some friends, on the other hand, who at one point in time were very, very close to me, but had only built things out of sand. We spent our days sculpting intricate corridors, tall towers and deep dungeons, but after a while, I was forced to walk away from this particular sandcastle and move to others along the beach. And sadly, the choices that these friends made did not nurture our castle, but rather allowed it to wither and collapse. I still have the memories, the love and kindness and fun that I shared with these people, but they since have become just piles of sand.

I might still use sand sometimes, but a combination of sticks and sand are what keeps many of my friendships solid.

There is much, much more that can be said about this, but for now, here's to sticks, sand, and lasting friendships!

Happy Winter Solstice!