don't read this if you want to keep on pretending that everything we do in the world is alright.

Every single piece of plastic us humans have ever produced is still on the planet today. It will never go away.
We can recycle it, but most of it ends up in the garbage, and then in the ocean, where there is a mass of garbage that is estimated to be twice the size of Texas.

Please take note of this.
Read this website to see what it is doing to the environment:
http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php?id=11


I hope you are happy with this, humans.

I am quitting my job at Tuesday Morning because the company is wasteful and never recycles. I honestly can't stand killing the earth any more than I already do.

Even though you are only one person, what you do definitely matters.
So be aware.

this is my new favourite blog:

1000 Awesome Things



also this other fledgling blog might eventually shape up to be something nice: www.friendofmine.wordpress.com

:)

life is wild

When I was born, I was fortunate enough to have a loving family that cared for me and provided for me.
Initially they taught me to speak and walk and think and reason and then eventually they put me into school where I learned many, many more things.
From that point on my life was rather well planned out.

What no one ever told me is that at one point, my life wasn't going to have a plan.

I guess that this was always a given: once I was finished with my schooling then I would have to do something with my life and "make a living" somehow.
But even in high school, there was still this idea that, well, next year I will go to college, and then I will have skills and a degree and I will be able to apply for jobs, etc.

What no one ever told me is that you can't exactly apply for jobs like you apply for schools.

There is no set path or set goals or set plan for anything.
Life is wild, open, unpredictable, beautiful and grand.

I don't know if this secret had been purposefully or accidentally kept from me my entire life. I don't think it was intentional because I guess that it is not really a secret.

But it is a scary thing to really realize that, from here on out, if I do nothing to make something happen, then nothing will happen with my life.

I feel as if I am starting my life over again, right now, with a fresh clean slate, except already I have twenty years of training and education and experience under my skin, and I am well enculturated into this society.

Right now, I am looking towards my open horizons, and am excited to see what happens next; I am also prepared to bear the weight and consequence of my future decisions, whatever those may be.

Please do not fear the wilderness of life once you come upon it. Look out into it, take a risk and prepare yourself for the wildest adventure you can possibly dream up.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs
is people who have come alive."
-Harold Whitman

P.S. Copland's Fanfare For The Common Man is probably my favourite song at the moment. Please listen to it while you read this post, and while you perform any other task ever.

Switchfoot (and me!) on Jimmy Kimmel

Yep, after working for switchfoot all weekend, and going to their Hello Hurricane release party on Tuesday, I got to see them again on Jimmy Kimmel.



After Courtney and I saw U2 (posted below) I said that I wished all of the shows I attended would be broadcast on YouTube.
Well look at that! Maybe they all will be!

Thanks

best weekend ever?

Last night I got to see The Lion King musical.

It was amazing.

Today I am working for Switchfoot.
My favourite band ever.
As I type this, I am sitting back stage, several feel away from them.
They are soundchecking.
Jon just played the main riff from New Way To Be Human. I don't know if that's on the set or not.
They are so cool and so nice.
They are also messing with their new equipment and they look like kids on christmas.

This is a dream come true.

Thank you Switchfoot, thank you.

the end of october and the indescribable infinity

This past week has felt so amazing.
I don’t even know why I am trying to describe it except I feel that I need to lest I ever forget about it.

There is this one ungraspable feeling and idea in particular that I want to make a vain attempt at grasping.

First: Courtney and I went to a U2 show at the Rose Bowl on her 21st birthday. At the same time, our dear friend Madison was in labor, and the next day, a new and beautiful little human life was brought into this world to be with our lives.
Welcome to the planet, Sage.

That night, on the eve of Sage’s birth, the halfmoon shown brightly in the dim Los Angeles sky and I knew it was just a perfect night.
It felt magical.
And this “magic” is precisely what I want to ascertain.

For a few good moments I could pause and breathe and know that there was a grand story unfolding all around me. I could just feel it, see it in the eyes of all other people, inhale it in everywhere around me.
It is the feeling of infinity that I have occasionally discerned throughout my life, and it is the best feeling ever.

I can’t quite say where it comes from, but it was like I knew my distinct part in The Greatest Story Ever Told.

And I guess that a piece of me always knows that I am a part of this, but so often I ignore it.
I know that I can feel it, but I cannot exactly hear the narration.
I don’t know the next chapter or page or even the next sentence of this story.
That is a little scary.

Right now I am wondering if maybe I have to write it.
And in facing that, I am tempted to cram as many shallow, trivial things as possible into that gaping story line, just to make it easy; so I don’t fear getting it wrong.

But! sometimes, I can hear the pen: and I know it isn’t mine.
Something is out there and it is guiding all of this. Every coincidence in the story was planned long before by the author; none of it is chance.
And in this feeling I can reach out into eternity, into infinity, into that immeasurable magical brilliance.

For some reason it makes me think of those tucks driving through the long, cold nights in the vast, empty spaces across America. Maybe if you have driven for a long time you will know what I mean. The trucks will drive all night and then into the desert sunrise; across the unending land and into another still day.
They make me feel something I can barely wrap words around.
I guess it's what I mean when I say, "I feel infinite."
But somehow it is more than that, too.

This summer dragged on far, far too long.
And though now some days are still warm I am so glad to feel the bitter cold wind that swept through here this past week.
I sat with Jordi and the newborn Sage as the crisp wind blew outside. I could hear the sound of the freeways sigh along with my sigh, my lungs breathing in, and out and in, keeping me here on Earth and as a part of this story.
She played her guitar softly and I just thought about what it means to be alive.
I love that feeling.
I really do.

The wind comes in at night and brings a change that you weren’t expecting; it brings a life you never thought you had the chance to live until now.
It is when you learn something new that will forever impact how you live your life.
It is understanding love; it is the stars; it is gazing into the night sky and attempting to perceive your own infinitesimal existence.
It is those three perfect notes you hear together which somehow construct a euphoric harmony.

Simple, ubiquitous; yet quietly magnificent.

We rush around and fill our lives with so many busy things, but for me it’s those quiet moments, which I cannot describe, that are worth living for.
When you can take a breath, and know that your soul is alive, and that there is another step beyond this one, and then one more beyond that one, and that the story continues forevermore.

Because the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard.

And we all need to keep listening.

everything is amazing and nobody is happy

couldn't have said it better.

^_^

I can't believe I was here!

It was so, so amazing.

By the way, U2 are the most Christian band I have ever seen before. Take note of this, supposed followers of Christ.

This is why.

some things I don't know

I know this is a little odd, because it is very hard to "know" what one does not know. It's like asking someone to think of something they have never thought about before. Not an easy task.

And true, there are millions of things that I don't know, and obviously, the more I learn, the more I will be aware of what I don't know. But these are things like, "what is the meaning of life?" and "why has the internet made me so stupid?" Not something you can look up.

This, on the other hand, is a list I have managed to compile of things that most people know, and that I could easily learn.
But I just don’t know them for some reason, and I haven’t really spent the time to learn them.

- The difference between affect and effect
- What “Modal Jazz” is
- The names and types of clouds
- The provinces of Canada
- Canadian geography in general
- Why Doc Holiday is famous
- types of gold, diamonds, and what exactly a “karat” is
- birth stones, and the significance of expensive jewelry
- where Sonoma is
- any Led Zeppelin songs. (I have a cassette tape… I should just listen to it.)
- the proper pronunciation of any French words
- French
- how to be on time.

yay

I've seen switchfoot many, many times before.
And I know that this will be another good show.
Because I get to help with sound!
I'm so excited.

Antes de morir

happy birthday kenny.

I honestly wish that there was a better way for me to wish you a happy day.

I miss being your friend.
Look where we were... and now look were we are.

Obviously not me.

It is a sad reality, to say the least.

But Kenny, if you knew how I really felt about you, you would have never, ever, ever said what you did.
I really wish that things didn't have to be this way.


But most of all, I have learned this:

And for that I am truly thankful. :)

Clipping

Feeling overload
Carrying bottled skies around
I've been drowning all along
wearing out in a faltered sea

And I give up.

Common sense failed again,
Meddling in a foreign scene
Foreign dream.
Time won't spare another sun,
daring me with another choice
another choice.

Anymore,
I don't know who to fight anymore.
I don't know what is right anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know how to feel anymore
I don't know what is real anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know who to trust anymore
I don't know what I want anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know who to blame anymore
I don't know what to say anymore,
anymore.

Anymore,
I don't know what I want anymore.
I just don't know anymore.

-MuteMath

(this is not the album version)

...

He says to me:
"I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?... "

I sigh and respond:
No, I've tried, but I really don't see it. And I'm sorry.

Anton Jungenberg (1989 - 2009)

Today I found out the news that you had died.
That you took your own life, and no one really knows why.
It was very surreal.

I am standing in Wal-Mart. Alone. Why am I here?
I walk slowly down the aisles, touching the different fabrics and wondering... why?
Why are you gone? Why did you do this? Why did this happen?
Why didn't anyone stop you?
Why didn't I?

My mind is filled with so many questions, none of which you can answer.
I am standing alone in Wal-Mart, tears welling up inside of me.
Do you know this? Can you hear me crying? Can you understand my pain?
Where are you now? What are you doing? Have you finally found the peace you were seeking? What is going to happen?

All of this thinking and questioning begins to choke me.
I need to hear a sound, a human voice, something other than this ambient nothing - the distant bleep-bleep of consumerism at the registers, the air conditioner and this cold, stale air which is sucking the precious life away from me.

I am still in shock. I cannot believe you are gone.
We made plans together, and many were still pending. When were you going to take me to the tunnels? Christmas break? I'm so sorry we couldn't go before you left for school... I was so busy... I start to hate myself for that. But when was I going to come visit you up at school? I promised I would and I really meant it.

I pick up my phone and call you... hoping, praying, pleading that this is all just a very bad joke and that you are still alive, still here, still breathing the air with the rest of us on the planet.
The very fact that I found out this news via your facebook must mean that it isn't true... I mean, it's the internet, how much can I really trust it?
The phone rings but the number "has been disconnected or is no longer in service."
I think to myself, so that's what happens to your phone number after you die...

And then the shock hits me again.
You are dead.
Everything I know about life and death and living is called into question.
I really don't know what happens to people after they die. I really have no idea.

I've been in this store now so long that I'm starting to get confused, numb. I walk by all of the televisions and it's just blur, blur, blur, meaningless blur. Everything here is meaningless. All I see are prices, products, pointless things that we say we need but that won't really add value to anything in life. Does saving more really mean living better? I don't think so.
The music from one of the televisions reaches out to me and stirs my soul, but it answers none of my questions.

In my head I will magnify every interaction that you and I ever shared.
They will become grand in my memory.
How we met at Grossmont, how you somehow remembered that we went to first and second grade together, how you always told me I was pretty in the strangest and sweetest ways possible, how you would awkwardly talk to me on facebook, how you made me laugh, how we went to the ghost together and played the scribble game, how we talked at school, how you gave me a ride that one day and all that we listened to was Norma Jean.
But the truth is: we were never really that close.
I never knew you like I could have.
You wanted me to teach you how to use your new camera and I never did.
You wanted to take me out to coffee and you never got to.
You made the weirdest jokes and I never understood them.
I never really took the time to understand them.
I never really rook the time to understand you.
I never knew you were in so much pain.
I never knew something like this could happen.
This is a tragedy.
This is eating me up inside.

David is here in the store. I meet him and he buys me chocolate and I tell him what happened. He tries to be light-hearted about it but he knows he cannot.
I'm glad he's here.
We sit outside together and look up at the sky.
I guess I can only breathe in deeply and thank God for the life I have been given.
I really don't know what else to do.

Anton, you were a wonderful person, you were sweet, funny, smart, an amazing artist, a great friend and I don't even know what else. I really wish I did.

Please, God please, I pray that you have found your peace.

And I guess, in the spirit of September 11, (and because I don't know what else to say) let us never, ever forget.

Garbage.

http://www.yhchang.com/LOTUS_BLOSSOM.html

Random, I know, but I love love love this.

I wish I lived with this little guy.

why you only the sometimes blogs?

Here is your answer.

How have you been lately, Morgan?
Oh, I have been very well, actually. Better and better each and every day in fact! I went though a lot of really tough things this summer, and for a while I was not doing well, but I finally feel like I am being pulled out of this.
Could it be because of school starting?
Could it be because I saw 500 Days of Summer?
Could it be because I am facing a lot of difficult challenges that are hard to deal with?
Maybe.
But more than that, I know that this is from the Spirit. In fact, there is no other explanation which comes to mind. It must be the spirit!

Anyways, lately I have not been blogging much here because I have been spending a very large amount of time writing on my secret blog, which no human on this earth has ever seen.

Why is this?
Because I have no more humans to tell my deep secrets to, so instead I tell them to God.
I think he wants to hear them anyway.

Do I realize the fact that I now have secrets (frustrations, hopes, dreams, desires, fears, passions, wishes) that no one knows about?

Yes. And this is strange for me. Very strange. I am not the type of person to ever keep secrets. The fact that things go on in my life that no one knows about and that maybe no one will ever know about is weird to me.
I'm used to telling people these things.

But! Have I accepted this as a fact of life?
Yes.

Am I excited to see what other interesting things life has in store?
Why, yes!

Will I blog more about things like secrets later?
Of course.

Well, I plan to.

Also,
HAPPY SEPTEMBER!

Welcome to the month of the Most Amazing Sunsets. Live like it's all you've got.

500 days of summer

This movie was cute, funny, beautifully scripted and filmed, and it completely and utterly changed my entire life.
I think it was the most amazing movie (and the most applicable to my life) I've ever seen.

Please see it.

It really just... wow. It was good.


As Isaac Becker once said to me:
"There are other rocks in the quarry."

I didn't understand what he meant when he said it, because I'm not much of a miner. But after seeing this movie, I am now more than enthusiastic to see what the big, beautiful quarry has in store.
:)

I know my fatal flaw.
I am an idealist through and through.
My life is filled with so many "shoulds."

And I will stubbornly stand by these ideals.
It's hard knowing your flaw sometimes.
Because I really don't know how to not be an idealist.
How do I not fill my life with ideals?

You should be glad!
We should never have to worry about that.
I should be able to take this class.
You should get credit for that.
You should stand up for what you believe in!
You should speak up!
I should be happy.
I should listen to that more often.
Children should be raised in a loving home.
Families shouldn't have to split apart.
No one should have to be alone.
Love should last forever.

"Maybe I'm idealistic to assume that truth could be fact and form, that love could be a verb; maybe I'm just a little misinformed."

Side note:
I think I'm going to try this: www.zenhabits.net/2009/08/how-to-live-a-better-life-with-less

Mmhmm

This album so so amazing.

I got it when it came out during my sophomore year of high school, but sadly it's been a few years since I've really listened to it.

But today I did again, and every single lyric applied to my life so amazingly and perfectly and poetically.
So I decided to post them all here.

Please listen along and enjoy! Maybe you will even be challenged, or maybe even changed forever like i was:


The One I'm Waiting For

The way that girl can break a heart
It’s like a work of art
And this is the worst part
She knows it

And she’s so confident
That she’s what everybody wants
But nobody wants
Her to know that

So fall back on all of your premonitions
And just learn to listen
To those that have more wisdom than you
And just stop
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

The way that girl can turn a head
Well she is such a threat
But don’t ever forget
She knows it

And she’s got it all
All figured out
And she won’t let you doubt
She knows it

I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

----

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

----

High Of 75

We were talking together
I said, "what's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
'Cause on my own volition.
What if I'm just missing the sun

And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed.

But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
Their control over the sky

And lately the weather
Has been so Bi-polar
And Consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

And the temperature is freezing
And then, after dark,
There is a cold frost sweeping
In over my heart

And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun

Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be... alive

---------

I So Hate Consequences

And I’m good, good, good to go
I gotta get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that.

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want.

And I spent all last night
Staring down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home.”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I-told-you-so’s
I said the words I knew you knew:
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you.

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that.

----

The Only Thing Worse Than Beating A Dead Horse Is Betting On One

Just listen to the politician wishing his position wasn't missing everything his heart would like to say and a constant in the constitution is that there can't be one solution 'cause it'd be so far from the truth that we would hate it anyway.

Opinions are immunity to being told you're wrong
paper, rock, and scissors
they all have their pros and cons.

and all of us we will endure
just like we always have
but you just can't be too sure
how long this will last

'cause we control the chaos
in the back of our minds
our problems seem so small
but they grow on us like gravity
but gravity makes us fall.

------

More Than Useless

I feel like, I would like
to be somewhere else doing something that matters.
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather.

What's the purpose? It feels worthless.
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you.

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me:

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time, it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like He would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know.

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once.

---------------

Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet?

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened.

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not.

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far.

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away.
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

----

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief

Oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency.

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

------

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

----------

Maintain Consciousness

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw:
our conversations change from words to blah, blah blah
we took prescription drugs but look how much good that did
well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted...

Lately it just seems to me
like we've got the letters A.D.D.
branded into our mentality
we simply can't focus on anything

because it's
17, 18, 19 routine
and here at 23 it's the same old me
and that one thing of the moment
that we all happen to like will
only very temporarily
kinda break the cycle
of the double edged sword
of being lazy and being bored
we just want more and more and more
till it's all we can afford

to keep our eyes open for just one more day
to keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way
to keep our minds open for just one more day
cause it's completely up to us
to maintain consciousness.

well, no one can possibly listen to this
more than 4 reps is just monotonous
we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest...

----

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

and this week the trend
was to back stab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
'cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again.

And I just wanna get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up;
'cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by.
And what we take from this is what we'll get
and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up.

-------------

Life After Death And Taxes (Failure II)

Hey taxi,
Take me straight to the heart of it
The nucleus of politics where somebody, somebody started it
Cause they taxed me
With a scalpel piece by piece
They cut me deep and bled me dry until there was nothing left to bleed

And this is how I choose to live
As if I'm jumping off a cliff
knowing that you'll save me
and after all the stupid things I did
there's nothing left to forgive
because you already forgave me
yeah you already forgave me

Just keep driving
leave this defeat miles behind me
so far back I'd have to rack my mind just to remind me
I keep trying
To pick myself back up and then move on
And think about the life I'll have when this fragile one is gone.

Never forget
there's life after death
And taxes
And forgiveness comes
Then all of the rest is what passes away
Death and decay can't touch us now

Every breath that I inhale is followed by exhaling
Sure as the one who never fails, I know will never fail me.

Never forget
there's life after death and taxes
Forgiveness comes

then all of the rest
it just passes away

Death and decay can't touch us now.

------------------

When I Go Down

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this.
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works. no, that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind,
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found.

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no, that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly.

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth.

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again, to lift me up again.

---------

Thanks.

Seattle!

is so freaking cool.

Josh and Jenny got married today, and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever seen.

Wow wow wow.

Yesterday I went to the Space Needle and the Museum of Science Fiction and wow.

I love this city.

It was very sunny too.

Maybe I'll have to explain this one later too.

:)

tuesday august 11

was a very long day.

wow.

yes indeed.

I'll explain later.

The Olympics!

Last year was the opening of the 2008 Olypmics.
They were absolutely astounding:

<a href="http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:d3db5db6-9f69-4525-b017-898ae0383348&showPlaylist=true" target="_new" title="2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony">Video: 2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony</a>

I would encourage you to find a better quality video, because this one is honestly terrible. But it was the first one I could find that had the whole ceremony on it.

Dang I miss those Olympics.

Camus

This is an old plague that my great-grandmother used to have in her house.
I got it after she died in 2006.
The interesting thing is, I didn't even know who "Camus" was until that year, when I read his book for Mr. Graber's AP Lit class. (I heard on the news that pres. Bush read that same book "The Stranger" at the same time that I did... random fact.)
I learned that Albert Camus is a very strange man indeed. And my whole life I grew up only knowing of him because of this saying on a plaque.
Maybe I feel a little differently about the saying now, knowing about who Camus is, but mostly, I just read this quote again and thought that it was wonderful and needed to be shared.

confession, value

so, today was a weird day. Honestly, it was not a very good one.
But, tonight I went to Flood, and I am very glad that I did. It was rather serendipitous actually. It turned my whole day around for sure.

I want to try to explain this.
It might not make sense, but I'll try to keep the story simple.
The theme of the message at Flood was this:

Confession: to openly acknowledge what is true.
The speaker talked of the importance of confession. To God, to ourselves, and to others.

So here, a confession:
I for the past few days I have not been wearing a seat belt.
This is because I no longer valued my life.

I no longer valued my life probably due to a few things, one of which can only be the enemy, and another being that I feel like I am stacked up against something impossible, and who am I, as a worthless little nothing, to do anything about it?
I felt terrible, I felt trapped, I felt useless and pointless and unloved and uncared for. I wanted to escape from my life in any way possible, though I didn't know how.

Well anyway, as I drove home, I reflected upon how I was in a much better mood than I was before I went to Flood, and how I was so glad I could meet up with some of my amazing friends and laugh and talk things through. It is really strange and wonderful how people can turn your day (and subsequently your life) around like that.

I also asked myself some serious questions, and I listened to some beautiful and poignant music that I had not listened to in a rather long time.
(I will not tell you what music it was because that's not really the point and I don't want you to dwell on that or be distracted by it.)
As I drove through the darkness, this music took me over and I began to feel a strong wave of emotions washing over me.

It brought back a lot of specific memories, and it rekindled a lot of feelings that I had been running from for a long time, though I didn't really know how true this was this until I actually felt them.
It saddens me to think that I have been running from these things for so long. And to know that you have been running from them too.

In that moment, tears streamed down my face, and the sound that filled my ears danced in time with the song in my soul, and again they spoke together, as they once did, as I know they will again.

I looked through the cracked windshield at the clamoring world around me; the blur of lights, the city night.
I felt the seat belt of my car hugging me tightly, holding me firmly in place.

A sense of knowing came over me. I knew that God was saying: The world may be rushing all around you, but right now, right here, you are held tightly and safely and I'm not letting you go. You may not always think of yourself as valuable, but I know exactly how valuable you are.

I felt like some old antique appraised at an antiques roadshow; I at first looked like some old junk, but I was later discovered to be priceless beyond measure.

And though I know that things will still be difficult, I will wear my seat belt from now on, and I will stop thinking so much of how to escape, because obviously God isn't going to let me go.

So, yeah. Please don't make my mistake and forget how valuable you are, and make sure to openly acknowledge what is true as often as you can, because Confession can be a powerful and freeing thing.

Oh, and there's something else, but I'll save that for another time. ;)

my oh my july

where have you been?
where have you gone?
are you really almost done?

I am so... confused by the blur of life around me.

I also must say that so far, today has been a terrible day.
I just feel so utterly defeated by everything.

And I really hate to hear myself say this, but July, I think will be glad when you are gone.

moving

can be tough.

Today I said goodbye to my favourite wall.



All of my memories from the past two+ years replaced once again by a blank slate.

This was strangely cathartic. :)

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

i'm totally crushing

Jars of Clay is so so so good.

The show last night was very unprofessional and therefore somehow also very personal.
There were many "technical possibilities" as Dan called them.



Also Dan Haseltine is definitely one of my favourite people right now.

My 11-year-old self is telling me I told you so.

be nice to water

this is very interesting:

The Longer I Lay Here (live)

Laziness cuts me like fine cutlery...



by pedro the lion. (this is only a live version, so hear the original, and the whole album, if you can.)

dear kenny becker:

also, you really should have been there.

hopefully this will get through to you.

jesus stole my heart and chris martin sweated on me

I spent way too much time in L.A.

Then I went and worked at Summer Camp!

Coldplay!!!



The Setlist:
Life In Technicolor
Violet Hill
Clocks
In My Place
Yellow
Glass Of Water
Cemeteries Of London
42
Fix You
Strawberry Swing
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face
Talk
The Hardest Part (with just Chris on a piano on a sidestage)
Postcards From Far Away (piano instrumental)
Viva La Vida
Lost!
Green Eyes (acoustic, on a stage RIGHT BY US!)
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay / Death Will Never Conquer (Acoustic, sung by Will)
Billie Jean (acoustic cover)
Viva La Vida (remix interlude)
Politik
Lovers In Japan
Death And All His Friends
-------
The Scientist
Life in Technicolor ii
The Escapist (outro)


Wow.

I am perplexed, but not despairing.
Actually: instead I am joyful.

love

  Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
   I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
   Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
   I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
   Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
   Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.
   Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

- Pablo Neruda

(c) 1978
Translation by Margaret Sayers Peden

best week ever?

yes, it might have been.

:)

everything is music!

I went to a cool event and a fun concert yesterday, but outside in the street, we saw someone die. The weirdest part is that I can't find anything in the news about it.
Well, maybe that's not the weirdest part.

Enjoy this, and enjoy your amazing life while it lasts. :)

this song reminded me of you

unfortunately.



(just listen to the words... it's really inappropriate, though. I warn you.)

I am struck by the impermanence of everything.
Everything around me is so temporary.
Life is fragile, fleeting, brief.
And yet, it seems we almost all live in ignorance of this fact.
We hold grudges and have petty disagreements when much bigger things are at stake.
What is life really all about?
And why do we see such terror, misfortune, famine in the world?

I ask for things to get better. Everyday I ask.
For wars to end, for lives to mend; but what does that really accomplish?
Are not those solutions only temporary?

My life was once transformed for the better, and yet, each new day it has the potential to change again, for better or worse.

Am I becoming like the discontented, disenchanted teacher from Ecclesiastes?
I don't know.
That would not be my objective.
I would still consider myself to be quite the optimist.

Perhaps I just need to ponder this more.

(The picture is something I took at UC Santa Cruz when courtney and I were there on our road trip. We were walking in a field and came across this little dear, and we were both shocked to find that it was dead. It really looked as if it could have gotten up at any moment. It was a strange curiosity. There was no blood or any wounds to be found. Its fur was a little bit wet, but mostly, it seemed like a fine young fawn. It looked as if this little creature had just barely entered into this life before it had to leave again. Strange, and at least for me, strangely beautiful.)

road trip

This is me on the beach in santa cruz.
My hair still styled from Seattle;
My eyes full of sleep from Oregon;
My nose still full of cow-smells from Davis.

This trip further solidified that I want to spend a lot of my time on tour. on the road. always moving, traveling, exploring.
This trip has been absolutely incredible.
I couldn't even describe everything that has happened.
Right now I'm sitting in the living room of my friends Kris and Kara's house. The ocean is across the street (to the south!) blowing a cool breeze our way.
Maybe I will have to write more later.
But, as I think I posted on my previous blog, when there are so many fun and exciting things to do, why would you spend all of your time on the computer?
later!

seattle's best

Right now I am sitting in the living room of the lovely Jenny Bushnell, looking out the window at her cat Moses who is playing with something on a hillside.
The tall trees are bright and full of life and enjoying their time in the Seattle sunshine.

This road trip has been amazing so far; we've crossed six states and had countless adventures.
Last night we went to Mars Hill Church and heard Pastor Mark Driscoll speak. If you don't know of him, you really should.
He reminded me of a lot of things.
A lot of important things.
So right now, rather than sit inside and type on this computer, I'm going to go outside and discuss some of the more important things in life with Jenny, and focus on The one and only thing that really matters.
Peace and joy is overwhelming me already; I can hardly wait!

i haven't slept in days

but this weekend has been pretty dang amazing.

wow.

school is done. which is cool. chris was here, we ghosted too much. and laughed way more than that. i went to animal collective, there was kimmy and josh's wedding, and then I did sound for a stage at the rock n' roll marathon. also my toes are painted nice now. more adjectives to follow.

I should probably go before i finish typing this. I will type it later. yes.
I am so tired I cannot really tell what's going on.
Except I keep playing the piano a lot and I cannot stop... even to sleep, like I should be doing.
I know I will end up playing the piano in my sleep but then I will wake up and be sad because I haven't really been playing it.

Also this starts tomorrow:

a year ago

A year ago today I was in Texas.
South Padre Island to be exact.
I woke up too early after too little sleep and saw the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico.
It was new, beautiful, southern, sunburnt, humid, human.
I year ago I had wild, crazy fun, and I never thought twice about it or regretted it.
I had a smile on my face that would not go away.
A year ago I had a plan. Several, in fact. A year ago I looked ahead and saw those plans come to pass, blossoming into things bigger and brighter than I had ever dreamed.
A year ago I had a best friend who I enthusiastically shared my life with. And he with me. He and I poured out our hearts and grew in leaps and bounds.
A year ago I stayed up until 4 am excitedly discussing philosophy and existential thought and life and death and beauty and values and morals and everything under the sun.
Stayed up until 4 am, many, many nights in a row but was never tired.
A year ago I was working on my photography final. I completed an insanely creative portfolio, and loved everything about it. It's been a year since I've been in the dark room, putting my hands into the developer, breathing in the strange smells of hard work and creativity.
A year ago I was eagerly getting ready for China.
I had no way of getting there, but somehow I knew I was going.
Each day when I looked at the calendar, I would smile with the anticipation.
A year ago a lot of things were different. But still, many, many things are the same.
I year ago there were so many things I didn't know. That I had never seen. Never touched or felt or knew with all of my soul.
Music means more to me now. A whole lot more. I hear it and take it in and feel it differently.
Also, when you hear a Brittney Spears or Kelly Clarkson song and it seems like the words were taken from the pages of your life, you know that your life is different than it was a year ago. Most assuredly.
A year ago I never really knew pain or sorrow. I never knew true generosity or selflessness; greed or bitter selfishness. I never knew true love, joy, bliss, lust, or infatuation either. Not like I do now.

Perhaps I've said this before... but the idea of time still haunts me now and then.
You know, time. Not just clocks, but this crazy passing of minutes and hours and days that happens to all of us all at once and that we have zero control over.
There are so many things I had a year ago that I no longer possess. Some of those things I want back, but lots of them I don't.
I am finally at a point (after many long journeys) where I am okay with all of this. Ok with being where I am. Happy, actually.

Though some things are still confusing, unfortunately. As much as I am over it all of the (ultimately insignificant) drama that happened, it is still weird from time to time. And sometimes it does still sting a little.
It's weird for me to consider that best friend I once had, and then loved, and then lost.
It's weird seeing him do things he promised that he'd do with me, with someone else. With a new friend. A new girl.
Someone who is sadly just a replacement.
A replacement, like I was. A replacement for headphones in his ears, for the music in his mind. A replacement for the drugs, for the fun, a replacement for something he really, truly needed, but had such trouble finding.
In a way, this girl is a replacement for me, and she is walking down a similar path that I did a year ago.
You can deny these words all you want, but they are some of the truest ones I know.
She has no idea what she's getting into.
And how could she?
Did I?
No.
Does that really matter though?
Not anymore.
A year ago I was very naive.
Now, do I wish that I was back there? Where I was?
No. Not anymore.
Maybe a month ago I did, but no longer.
I have a strong peace now, about whatever happens. Even in the midst of this weirdness. I have peace.
I am happy to be where I am now. I am once again excited about the future that God has for me. It's unclear in a lot of ways, but that is part of the adventure, isn't it?
A year ago I knew less than I know now. I am very thankful for that. For, at least I have learned. A year ago I had a lot to learn.
And I still do.

Today was good. Very good. It was a day filled with laughter and fun and friends and prayers and music and really, really good food. It was no day in Texas, but honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better day.
Except for one thing: 2008, you are gone. I loved you more than words can describe, and I'm thankful that you happened, and I will always remember you fondly.
I just wish you would just stop haunting me. You really need to.

Because today is all we have, and the future is all that we can look towards because it is all that will ever happen.

I can only wonder where I will be a year from now.

los angeles confuses me less and more all the time

I loved spending the weekend in L.A. with Syrena, and visiting Biola was really cool, but my brain went all crazy and started asking a lot of really big existential questions.
I won't even write them down here because your head will start hurting too.

I don't really know how I feel about all of it.

It's a good feeling... it's just one that's pretty unclear.
But something big is going to happen, I can smell it in the summer wind.
My view life will soon be redefined, or perhaps it already has been.

putting it in

Last night when I was at work, my coworker's 5-year-old son was kidnapped and taken to Mexico by a drug dealer. It was a rough night for her.

It's stuff like that really puts my problems in perspective.

I have lost people that meant a lot to me, and I don't really have a clue what I'm going to do this summer or where I'm going to go to school or what exactly God would have me to with the rest of my life (except to passionately seek him with all that I am.) But really, he's given me that, and given me peace and hope and freedom and love and laughter and joy. Shouldn't that be enough? Even if I can't see a "plan" shouldn't I trust His?
I'm learning to more and more, and this is very, very good.

Anywoozles, as far as school is concerned, I am guaranteed to be able to transfer to UC San Diego (which doesn't have the major I want) and UC Santa Cruz. I got into BIOLA, and San Francisco State, and I'm still applying to Azusa Pacific University, San Jose State and University of Auckland (which is kind of my dream school.) My mom wants me to apply to a few CSU schools in LA, and also UCLA, but those are making me feel meh.
Any advice?

life is so good.

so good so good so good.

I feel better than ever, and there are way too many crazy and interesting things going on to even describe.

Maybe it's a long story, but I have less than zero direction in my life right now and I am very happy about it. For this has finally brought me to a place where I can live, day by day, waking up everyday and realizing that that is where my responsibility begins.
One day at a time.

I'll let this picture frame say some words:
...and I have never felt better!
Except I do know what I want. I want to live for God, and the eternal things that really matter.
Do I know what this means or what this will look like tomorrow?
Nope.
But it's gonna be pretty freaking fantastic I'm sure. :)

p.s. kenny: you were, and still are, very, very wrong about me. i'm very sorry that you happen to think the way you do, but i don't care anymore! think what you want, for i am alive and well, and whatever will be will be. also i know you don't even read this. even more awesome.

:D

the last day

Today is the last day of my life that I will be a teenager.

I can't even fathom everything that has happened in the span of the past year. Really. It's been crazy.

Also, this last weekend was THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE. Seriously. Well, so far!
Recording in the studio, doing Critical Mass, working at The Rescue, going to the Best Fest film festival, truly falling in love with my Creator once again were just a few of the highlights.
Check out these pictures from The Rescue ----->

I keep trying to consider everything that's happened this past year.
And I keep trying to write something that articulates how I feel about the passage of time. I don't know that I can. But time is the weirdest thing. It's not even real or tangible, but it controls our lives. It's sad to think that time is the only reason that I have some of the things that I currently have, or the reason that I lost some of the things that I used to have. I mean, what keeps me from the things that I once possessed and was unwilling to let go of? Only time.

7 years ago I was turning 13. So many things have happened since then. So much time has passed. So many people and things have came and went, and there have really only been two consistencies in my life throughout all of that time. And I can't even really say that I was one of those things.
Funny how that is.

Anyway, I have made peace with all of this, and I am excited to welcome the next year, and next decade of my life!
Time, time, time. I will defy you with my life and my love and my passion. Somehow, I will.

And tonight I'm going to a Death Cab For Cutie concert and I'm stoked!!!!

God has a lot to show me. I can hardly wait.

change is...

...a vast and complex subject matter.
Well, I could pretty much say that about anything, right?
What I mean is that I can't decide if I want to say: "change is good," or: "change is really hard and it sucks," because I'm kind of stuck in the middle of those two.

Needless to say, I have been changing a lot lately.

It's been a year since my cat ran away. Part of me still doesn't get that... in the back of my head I still expect to find him hiding somewhere. Zack was amazing and we all miss him dearly.

It's been a week since my car died, and that was... interesting. Unfortunate, yeah, but I was very blessed to have things work out the way they did. I am learning to rejoice in the midst of my trials.
On Saturday I got to talk to Jon Foreman, and then Cassandra and I accidentally went to Blacks beach. That was quite a day.
Sunday (Greek Easter) was a great day too.
Unfortunately, on Monday I realized that I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends.
It sucked. But I was hurt and I was stuck in a terrible rut. I knew that this was the best possible way out. I had to surrender; and this time, it was completely. Cutting a person out of your life is a lot more intense than deleting your facebook (which I've done), but it was necessary.
As a result of this, I have seen a strange and bright and beautiful transformation in my life and my heart.

For the past few months I sat around in frustration asking WHY? Why me? Why this?
But the past few days I have seen a new spark and a new fire inside of me. I don't ask why, for I am completely in awe and I am excited to see what unfolds.

Tomorrow will be a fun day! I am working in the recording studio with David and we will hopefully get a few tracks down. Then I have work, and then Critical Mass!

And don't forget: Saturday night is The Rescue!!! Please, please check this out and be a part of this event!

Lastly,
In one week it is my 20th birthday.
Wow. In the span of the past year, I did things I never even thought I would do in my entire life. It was beautiful and wonderful and sad and crazy. 19 was a pretty freaking amazing age for me.

I think right now, though, I'm over being a teenager.
So it's a good thing I only have a week left. :)

p.s. The five biggest things I'm obsessing about right now are:
-Jesus,
-Avocados,
-My new camera,
-Invisible Children,
-THE JONAS BROTHERS.
Heck yes. I love them.

p.p.s. I just reread this and I don't want to make it seem like this certain friend of mine I had to say goodbye to was causing grief in my life in any way. He was actually insanely amazing and has encouraged me quite a bit. But it was a close friend of his that I really needed to eliminate contact with. Sad days, I know, but welcome to life.

15 more days...

...until I reach the 20th year of my life.

The past few weeks have probably been the most interesting and high and low and insane in all of those 20 years.

Last night I spontaneously decided to skip my astronomy lab (it was raining... it's not like we could have done anything,) to go to an NA meeting.
Essentially, that changed my entire outlook on everything.
Yesterday I went downtown to volunteer. I've been working with Invisible Children a lot lately, and The Rescue is coming up, which I'm really stoked about.
Tomorrow I am not wearing shoes all day. This might become a habit, because it's awesome. But tomorrow I'm doing it for this reason.
And today, I laughed. I genuinely laughed like I have not laughed in a very long time.
It was glorious. My soul felt free once again.
And, I could blame this recent lack-of-laughter on quite a few things, but I have decided to throw those things out the window and dive even deeper into this unlimited hope and love in which I have found myself.

There is no escaping God's relentless pursuit of our souls. I might as well embrace all that he has.
I am slowly beginning to do this... after all of the pain, all of the confusion, all of the questioning, all of the frustration, all of the pointless detours; I finally am on the road again.
I know it will not be easy, but rather, it will be a slow and tedious tilling of the soil before sowing season. Before a new period of growth, before a new abundant harvest.

Now, I say this for no one but myself: I'm excited to see what happens.

Psalm 31

O Lord, I have come to you for protection;
don’t let me be disgraced.
Save me, for you do what is right.
Bend your ear down to listen to me;
rescue me quickly.
Be my rock of protection,
a fortress where I will be safe.
You are my rock and my fortress.
For your name's sake, lead me out of this danger.
Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me,
for I find protection in you alone.
I trust my spirit in your hand.
Rescue me, Lord, for you are faithful.

I hate those who worship worthless idols.
I trust in you.
I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,
for you have seen my troubles,
and you care about the anguish of my soul.
You have not handed me over to my enemies
but have set me in a safe place.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within.
I am scorned by all my enemies
and despised by my neighbors—
even my friends are afraid to come near me.
When they see me on the street,
they run the other way.
I am ignored as if I were dead,
as if I were a broken pot.
I have heard the many rumors about me,
and I am surrounded by terror.
My enemies conspire against me,
plotting to take my life.

But I am trusting you, O Lord,
saying, “You are my God!”
My future is in your hands.
Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly.
Let your favor shine on your servant.
In your unfailing love, rescue me.
Don’t let me be disgraced, O Lord,
for I call out to you for help.
Let the wicked be disgraced;
let them lie silent in the grave.
How great is the goodness
you have stored up for those who fear you.
You lavish it on those who come to you for protection,
blessing them before the watching world.
You hide them in the shelter of your presence,
safe from those who conspire against them.
You shelter them in your presence,
far from accusing tongues.

Praise the Lord,
for he has shown me the wonders of his unfailing love.
He kept me safe when my life was under attack.
In panic I cried out,
“I am cut off from the Lord!”
But you heard my cry for mercy
and answered my call for help.

Love the Lord, all you godly ones!
For the Lord protects those who are loyal to him,
but he harshly punishes the arrogant.
So be strong and courageous,
all you who put your hope in God!

I don't think that a psalm has ever been more applicable to my life.

Would I even like this Jesus?

The following is a conversation that took place in late Febuary between Eric Snyder and I.
I was going to reformat it into story form, but that would take away from the 21st Century essence of the conversation, of which we are all so familiar. A few things were edited for spelling and grammar, but this is essentially exactly what was said.
Eric's words reprinted and edited with permission.

10:26PM
Eric: I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be human.
Well, at least right now i have. And is making the world a better place one of the things we are called to do?
morgan: yes! of course!
Eric: I would say that the world is affected by what we are supposed to do, but not the purpose.
morgan: God would not call us to make the world a worse place
As we often do out of our selfishness and ignorance and greed.
Eric: is that your left-wing hippie side talking?
well, that is true. I know that.
yeah
idk
im an idiot
i love the old testament
in deuteronomy!!! Care for the alien, the orphan, and the widow.
shit, son
wow, ha ha
swearing so soon after quoting the bible isn't a good plan.
morgan: hahah
Well, it depends, I think.
If it makes Jesus real and relatable, maybe it is.
Eric: huh?
swearing?
really?
I would say that swearing doesn't really live up who Jesus is
morgan: yeah
Eric: but it doesn't really lower Him down either. It all depends.
morgan: Lately I have been kind of obsessed with Jesus. And like, wondering what he would do if he was here right now. OK, specifically the idea of how he is real and where he is in the world...
It's hard to explain I guess.
Well, I've known Jesus for a long time, and "seen" him in many ways, but, like, I look around and I see the world and modern life and a big city and a street full cars and of stuff and of lonely, empty people all trying to figure themselves out, and I see music and media and television and advertisements and corporate slogans and all of this crazy stuff everywhere.
And where is God in all of this?
How is He real?
I think that anything that manages to bring Jesus to these big and busy crowded and empty places is a worthy thing.
I have a lot of trouble when I see cheesy people who seemingly live under a rock and have no sense of culture try to preach to people who are absorbed by media and modern culture.
Eric: I have thought about that too.
sad excuse for an evangelical.
morgan: If someone on the street handed me a cheesy-looking little rainbow paper that said "jesus loves you!!!" I don't think I would care except for the fact that I know Jesus already. But like, I think a lot of the things that "the church" does are very unappealing.
Like www.cbn.com for example.
It may claim to represent Christ, but I think it's complete crap.
Maybe their intentions are pure; but me--a young, modern, news-seeking individual--would never get news from that source.
It's just pathetic.
Jesus would watch CNN.
But at the same time He would be Jesus.
Eric: not being of the world is taken out of context?
morgan: What do you mean?
Eric: Well, like weird christians, who justify it by "not being of the world"
in and not of.
morgan: Oh, well, they are forgetting the in part
you have to be in an not of
not out and not of
Because then you might as well live in space and not interact with the world at all if you are going to be like that.
Eric: Yeah, i guess.
I don't know.
I agree, what would Jesus be like?
Would I even like this Jesus?
morgan: hahah
Eric: I'm serious.
morgan: Supposedly you love him.
Eric: I don't think I would.
I barely look at homeless people, and Jesus would be there with them. Talking to them, hanging out with them.
I love Jesus, now that I know who he is. If I didn't know that He was who He said He was then I would think he was crazy.
morgan: Goodness, do you have the song, "When I look at the World" by U2?
That song describes Jesus so perfectly to me.
Eric: listening...

What do you think?

my time spent in nor cal

...was absolutely amazing!

I stayed at Berkley, I took BART and the bus to Santa Cruz and spent a beautiful day on the beach with Kara and Kris, and I explored downtown SF with the fantastical Imogen. The Bay Area is so wonderful!

best flight of my life

fisherman's warf

amoeba records: berkeley

santa cruz

imogen <3

Thanks, norcalians.