this is your life.

whoa

October 22, 2010 has snuck up and pounced upon me like this awesome tiger upon this frightened man:


I have not posted (here) in a long while!
I've got some catching up to do.

But time is merciless!
Time will continue on, against my will and thoughts and work and tireless valiant efforts to slow it down (or even to speed it up on occasion).

Time is like the clinging monkey on the back of this rather angry parrot,

or like this vulture's vicious attack upon an unsuspecting jackal:
Time still marches, marches violently, silently onward!

a englilish poem

The Chaos

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

- Charivarius (G. Nolst Trenité)

Two quotes I have memorized, and that I will unconditionally love forever.

Jon Foreman:

"I yearn to live and love and burn, and yet so much of my time is spent faking and forgetting, faking and forgetting... I carry out my disbelief with uninspired hands, my eyes shut, my emotions dulled, my spirit numb. It is in times like these I am in desperate need of truth to come to me like a blinding light, like a splinter in my soul, reminding me of the brevity of my time here on earth."

&

Jack Kerouack (from On the Road):

"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

i am a child no longer - but this is still me.

“Millions of children—one in five—have what psychologist Lucy Jo Palladino, Ph.D., calls the Edison trait: dazzling intelligence, an active imagination, a free-spirited approach to life, and the ability to drive everyone around them crazy. They have the raw talent to succeed in our fast-paced, information-rich, techno-magic world. But, unbridled, their talent also brings conflict into their lives. Edison-trait kids excel at thinking divergently, brimming over with one idea after the other. However, schools, organized activities, and routines of daily living reward convergent thinking, which seeks to focus on one idea at a time. Parents and teachers get frustrated by the Edison-trait child’s apparent intractability and lack of focus. A mismatch between school and child can mask the child’s considerable gifts for creativity and independent thinking.”

from: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN=0812927370/borntoexplotheotA/

i need a place to live.

I am starting to get tired of having to retell my confusing present life situation over and over again to everyone who asks, so I figured I should write it all down.

At times I really hesitate to share some of this information. One, because it's very personal. Two, because I don't want to sound like I am complaining. But it is what it is and I am in desperate need right now of support or at least, just the ability to get all of this confusing ish out so I can sort through it and find out what I need to do.
I'm no good with being vague, so I tell it like it is.

the first part of this was written on Sunday march 28th:

I've had a very rough weekend, to put it lightly.
After weeks of worrying and wondering about it, my mom finally lost her job and now has to sell our house since we can no longer afford it, so I have to move out.
She has no idea where she is going to live, and no, I cannot live with her, so please stop asking about that. Initially I wasn't too worried about this because I was blessed and fortunate enough to be able to move in with Courtney and Jordi's family in Chula Vista, and the more I prayed and considered the ramifications of this move, the better it seemed. There was a good church community that they are involved in, (and since I currently work at a church on Sundays I do not attend a church and have no community or fellowship with any specific church, especially certain ones that to a good job of making me feel like an outcast, so I figured this was good,) and everything else just seemed right.

But this Sunday was an especially stressful day because on Saturday (march 27), my car started stalling and I had to trade it with my mom's car because it wasn't working, and I needed a car to move my stuff because she continued to stress that I needed to have my stuff packed up and moved out so she could sell the house.
That night, however, I tried to go home to sleep but my mom was out drinking with her boyfriend and I couldn't get inside because she had my house key since we traded cars.
So, since I had no place to sleep, my best friend and I stayed up in his car talking for an entire night. We spent most of it crying. It was not good. We decided to break off any potential we had for a relationship. (And yes, there was one there as most of you surmised.)
As the sun came up on Sunday I went straight to my internship feeling groggy and hungry and sad. All I had to eat was some coffee... so I felt ridiculous.
I had planned to go to the absolutely wonderful bridal shower of the amazing Alison, but as soon as I got there I got a call form Courtney saying that
the Williams got evicted from their house and had 60 days to move out. I'm sorry that I wasn't for longer, Alison! I wanted to be. Courtney is moving back in with her mom, but I don't know where I am going to go.

Anyway, it has been a few terrible weeks since that Sunday, and I have not really felt the crippling sadness that now overwhelms me until recently. I have been doing poorly in school but still I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this suck consume me. However, I heard again today that after Jordi's family moves, I can't come with them. Initially Jordi said I could share a room with her, but I guess it's going to be more expensive if more people life there... So:
In a month I won't have a place to live. I still don't have a full time job, and I don't have money to attend college. I barely have money to keep paying for my car, so affording a large rent right now also seems near impossible.

But! I do realize that I am blessed. I know I am very blessed. I have food and water and clothing and so much stuff that I don't even know what to do with it. I even have the time and ability to do incredible things and really enjoy the beauty in life.

But even still, when I look around at my current situation, I just feel completely crippled. I am helpless and I don't know what to do. There are so many goals and dreams I have, but I fear that none of them will ever be realized.

I am trying my best to look on the bright side of things. I am trying to enjoy this most turbulent and interesting this time in my life.

But right now, I figure that my life will either continue in this horrific downward spiral until I eventually die, or things will get better.

I have faith, and I know that SOMETHING is going to happen, so I shouldn't give up just yet.
Whatever it is, bring it on.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - it's crazy but I'm kind of loving it.

on a whim

I woke up at 4:00 this morning, and then I drove up the golden state to Davis with my friend Stephen.
It was really quite random, fun, unplanned, and amazing.

I'll be in the bay area for a little while, but I don't know how long. I'll fly back whenever I can.
I got to spend time with Christina who is very excited to have a visitor. I really love it here. I should be in college some more. I really love college.

Also, I'm glad I took this trip on a whim. I think that life should be more whimsical.

Because who even knows what life is anyway?
I want to figure it out, and for now, this is the best way I know how.

Do something unexpected today, friends. Do something positive. Make the world a better place.

yes...

we made it!

happy 2010.