i haven't slept in days

but this weekend has been pretty dang amazing.

wow.

school is done. which is cool. chris was here, we ghosted too much. and laughed way more than that. i went to animal collective, there was kimmy and josh's wedding, and then I did sound for a stage at the rock n' roll marathon. also my toes are painted nice now. more adjectives to follow.

I should probably go before i finish typing this. I will type it later. yes.
I am so tired I cannot really tell what's going on.
Except I keep playing the piano a lot and I cannot stop... even to sleep, like I should be doing.
I know I will end up playing the piano in my sleep but then I will wake up and be sad because I haven't really been playing it.

Also this starts tomorrow:

a year ago

A year ago today I was in Texas.
South Padre Island to be exact.
I woke up too early after too little sleep and saw the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico.
It was new, beautiful, southern, sunburnt, humid, human.
I year ago I had wild, crazy fun, and I never thought twice about it or regretted it.
I had a smile on my face that would not go away.
A year ago I had a plan. Several, in fact. A year ago I looked ahead and saw those plans come to pass, blossoming into things bigger and brighter than I had ever dreamed.
A year ago I had a best friend who I enthusiastically shared my life with. And he with me. He and I poured out our hearts and grew in leaps and bounds.
A year ago I stayed up until 4 am excitedly discussing philosophy and existential thought and life and death and beauty and values and morals and everything under the sun.
Stayed up until 4 am, many, many nights in a row but was never tired.
A year ago I was working on my photography final. I completed an insanely creative portfolio, and loved everything about it. It's been a year since I've been in the dark room, putting my hands into the developer, breathing in the strange smells of hard work and creativity.
A year ago I was eagerly getting ready for China.
I had no way of getting there, but somehow I knew I was going.
Each day when I looked at the calendar, I would smile with the anticipation.
A year ago a lot of things were different. But still, many, many things are the same.
I year ago there were so many things I didn't know. That I had never seen. Never touched or felt or knew with all of my soul.
Music means more to me now. A whole lot more. I hear it and take it in and feel it differently.
Also, when you hear a Brittney Spears or Kelly Clarkson song and it seems like the words were taken from the pages of your life, you know that your life is different than it was a year ago. Most assuredly.
A year ago I never really knew pain or sorrow. I never knew true generosity or selflessness; greed or bitter selfishness. I never knew true love, joy, bliss, lust, or infatuation either. Not like I do now.

Perhaps I've said this before... but the idea of time still haunts me now and then.
You know, time. Not just clocks, but this crazy passing of minutes and hours and days that happens to all of us all at once and that we have zero control over.
There are so many things I had a year ago that I no longer possess. Some of those things I want back, but lots of them I don't.
I am finally at a point (after many long journeys) where I am okay with all of this. Ok with being where I am. Happy, actually.

Though some things are still confusing, unfortunately. As much as I am over it all of the (ultimately insignificant) drama that happened, it is still weird from time to time. And sometimes it does still sting a little.
It's weird for me to consider that best friend I once had, and then loved, and then lost.
It's weird seeing him do things he promised that he'd do with me, with someone else. With a new friend. A new girl.
Someone who is sadly just a replacement.
A replacement, like I was. A replacement for headphones in his ears, for the music in his mind. A replacement for the drugs, for the fun, a replacement for something he really, truly needed, but had such trouble finding.
In a way, this girl is a replacement for me, and she is walking down a similar path that I did a year ago.
You can deny these words all you want, but they are some of the truest ones I know.
She has no idea what she's getting into.
And how could she?
Did I?
No.
Does that really matter though?
Not anymore.
A year ago I was very naive.
Now, do I wish that I was back there? Where I was?
No. Not anymore.
Maybe a month ago I did, but no longer.
I have a strong peace now, about whatever happens. Even in the midst of this weirdness. I have peace.
I am happy to be where I am now. I am once again excited about the future that God has for me. It's unclear in a lot of ways, but that is part of the adventure, isn't it?
A year ago I knew less than I know now. I am very thankful for that. For, at least I have learned. A year ago I had a lot to learn.
And I still do.

Today was good. Very good. It was a day filled with laughter and fun and friends and prayers and music and really, really good food. It was no day in Texas, but honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better day.
Except for one thing: 2008, you are gone. I loved you more than words can describe, and I'm thankful that you happened, and I will always remember you fondly.
I just wish you would just stop haunting me. You really need to.

Because today is all we have, and the future is all that we can look towards because it is all that will ever happen.

I can only wonder where I will be a year from now.

los angeles confuses me less and more all the time

I loved spending the weekend in L.A. with Syrena, and visiting Biola was really cool, but my brain went all crazy and started asking a lot of really big existential questions.
I won't even write them down here because your head will start hurting too.

I don't really know how I feel about all of it.

It's a good feeling... it's just one that's pretty unclear.
But something big is going to happen, I can smell it in the summer wind.
My view life will soon be redefined, or perhaps it already has been.

putting it in

Last night when I was at work, my coworker's 5-year-old son was kidnapped and taken to Mexico by a drug dealer. It was a rough night for her.

It's stuff like that really puts my problems in perspective.

I have lost people that meant a lot to me, and I don't really have a clue what I'm going to do this summer or where I'm going to go to school or what exactly God would have me to with the rest of my life (except to passionately seek him with all that I am.) But really, he's given me that, and given me peace and hope and freedom and love and laughter and joy. Shouldn't that be enough? Even if I can't see a "plan" shouldn't I trust His?
I'm learning to more and more, and this is very, very good.

Anywoozles, as far as school is concerned, I am guaranteed to be able to transfer to UC San Diego (which doesn't have the major I want) and UC Santa Cruz. I got into BIOLA, and San Francisco State, and I'm still applying to Azusa Pacific University, San Jose State and University of Auckland (which is kind of my dream school.) My mom wants me to apply to a few CSU schools in LA, and also UCLA, but those are making me feel meh.
Any advice?

life is so good.

so good so good so good.

I feel better than ever, and there are way too many crazy and interesting things going on to even describe.

Maybe it's a long story, but I have less than zero direction in my life right now and I am very happy about it. For this has finally brought me to a place where I can live, day by day, waking up everyday and realizing that that is where my responsibility begins.
One day at a time.

I'll let this picture frame say some words:
...and I have never felt better!
Except I do know what I want. I want to live for God, and the eternal things that really matter.
Do I know what this means or what this will look like tomorrow?
Nope.
But it's gonna be pretty freaking fantastic I'm sure. :)

p.s. kenny: you were, and still are, very, very wrong about me. i'm very sorry that you happen to think the way you do, but i don't care anymore! think what you want, for i am alive and well, and whatever will be will be. also i know you don't even read this. even more awesome.

:D