500 days of summer

This movie was cute, funny, beautifully scripted and filmed, and it completely and utterly changed my entire life.
I think it was the most amazing movie (and the most applicable to my life) I've ever seen.

Please see it.

It really just... wow. It was good.


As Isaac Becker once said to me:
"There are other rocks in the quarry."

I didn't understand what he meant when he said it, because I'm not much of a miner. But after seeing this movie, I am now more than enthusiastic to see what the big, beautiful quarry has in store.
:)

I know my fatal flaw.
I am an idealist through and through.
My life is filled with so many "shoulds."

And I will stubbornly stand by these ideals.
It's hard knowing your flaw sometimes.
Because I really don't know how to not be an idealist.
How do I not fill my life with ideals?

You should be glad!
We should never have to worry about that.
I should be able to take this class.
You should get credit for that.
You should stand up for what you believe in!
You should speak up!
I should be happy.
I should listen to that more often.
Children should be raised in a loving home.
Families shouldn't have to split apart.
No one should have to be alone.
Love should last forever.

"Maybe I'm idealistic to assume that truth could be fact and form, that love could be a verb; maybe I'm just a little misinformed."

Side note:
I think I'm going to try this: www.zenhabits.net/2009/08/how-to-live-a-better-life-with-less

Mmhmm

This album so so amazing.

I got it when it came out during my sophomore year of high school, but sadly it's been a few years since I've really listened to it.

But today I did again, and every single lyric applied to my life so amazingly and perfectly and poetically.
So I decided to post them all here.

Please listen along and enjoy! Maybe you will even be challenged, or maybe even changed forever like i was:


The One I'm Waiting For

The way that girl can break a heart
It’s like a work of art
And this is the worst part
She knows it

And she’s so confident
That she’s what everybody wants
But nobody wants
Her to know that

So fall back on all of your premonitions
And just learn to listen
To those that have more wisdom than you
And just stop
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

The way that girl can turn a head
Well she is such a threat
But don’t ever forget
She knows it

And she’s got it all
All figured out
And she won’t let you doubt
She knows it

I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

----

Be My Escape

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

----

High Of 75

We were talking together
I said, "what's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
'Cause on my own volition.
What if I'm just missing the sun

And tomorrow, I know,
Will be rainy at best.
And the forecast, I know,
Is that I'll be depressed.

But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
Their control over the sky

And lately the weather
Has been so Bi-polar
And Consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

And the temperature is freezing
And then, after dark,
There is a cold frost sweeping
In over my heart

And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun

Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be... alive

---------

I So Hate Consequences

And I’m good, good, good to go
I gotta get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that.

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want.

And I spent all last night
Staring down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home.”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I-told-you-so’s
I said the words I knew you knew:
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you.

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that.

----

The Only Thing Worse Than Beating A Dead Horse Is Betting On One

Just listen to the politician wishing his position wasn't missing everything his heart would like to say and a constant in the constitution is that there can't be one solution 'cause it'd be so far from the truth that we would hate it anyway.

Opinions are immunity to being told you're wrong
paper, rock, and scissors
they all have their pros and cons.

and all of us we will endure
just like we always have
but you just can't be too sure
how long this will last

'cause we control the chaos
in the back of our minds
our problems seem so small
but they grow on us like gravity
but gravity makes us fall.

------

More Than Useless

I feel like, I would like
to be somewhere else doing something that matters.
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
my mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather.

What's the purpose? It feels worthless.
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you.

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me:

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time, it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like He would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know.

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once.

---------------

Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet?

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget

and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened.

And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not.

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far.

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away.
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way?
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...

----

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief

Oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency.

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light.

------

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

----------

Maintain Consciousness

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw:
our conversations change from words to blah, blah blah
we took prescription drugs but look how much good that did
well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted...

Lately it just seems to me
like we've got the letters A.D.D.
branded into our mentality
we simply can't focus on anything

because it's
17, 18, 19 routine
and here at 23 it's the same old me
and that one thing of the moment
that we all happen to like will
only very temporarily
kinda break the cycle
of the double edged sword
of being lazy and being bored
we just want more and more and more
till it's all we can afford

to keep our eyes open for just one more day
to keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way
to keep our minds open for just one more day
cause it's completely up to us
to maintain consciousness.

well, no one can possibly listen to this
more than 4 reps is just monotonous
we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest...

----

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

and this week the trend
was to back stab every single one of my friends
and leave a voicemail message trying to make amends
all the while hoping things work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength that you could lend
to keep my head above the water and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it?
'cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again.

And I just wanna get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up;
'cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by.
And what we take from this is what we'll get
and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up.

-------------

Life After Death And Taxes (Failure II)

Hey taxi,
Take me straight to the heart of it
The nucleus of politics where somebody, somebody started it
Cause they taxed me
With a scalpel piece by piece
They cut me deep and bled me dry until there was nothing left to bleed

And this is how I choose to live
As if I'm jumping off a cliff
knowing that you'll save me
and after all the stupid things I did
there's nothing left to forgive
because you already forgave me
yeah you already forgave me

Just keep driving
leave this defeat miles behind me
so far back I'd have to rack my mind just to remind me
I keep trying
To pick myself back up and then move on
And think about the life I'll have when this fragile one is gone.

Never forget
there's life after death
And taxes
And forgiveness comes
Then all of the rest is what passes away
Death and decay can't touch us now

Every breath that I inhale is followed by exhaling
Sure as the one who never fails, I know will never fail me.

Never forget
there's life after death and taxes
Forgiveness comes

then all of the rest
it just passes away

Death and decay can't touch us now.

------------------

When I Go Down

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this.
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works. no, that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind,
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found.

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no, that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly.

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth.

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again, to lift me up again.

---------

Thanks.

Seattle!

is so freaking cool.

Josh and Jenny got married today, and it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever seen.

Wow wow wow.

Yesterday I went to the Space Needle and the Museum of Science Fiction and wow.

I love this city.

It was very sunny too.

Maybe I'll have to explain this one later too.

:)

tuesday august 11

was a very long day.

wow.

yes indeed.

I'll explain later.

The Olympics!

Last year was the opening of the 2008 Olypmics.
They were absolutely astounding:

<a href="http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:d3db5db6-9f69-4525-b017-898ae0383348&showPlaylist=true" target="_new" title="2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony">Video: 2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremony</a>

I would encourage you to find a better quality video, because this one is honestly terrible. But it was the first one I could find that had the whole ceremony on it.

Dang I miss those Olympics.

Camus

This is an old plague that my great-grandmother used to have in her house.
I got it after she died in 2006.
The interesting thing is, I didn't even know who "Camus" was until that year, when I read his book for Mr. Graber's AP Lit class. (I heard on the news that pres. Bush read that same book "The Stranger" at the same time that I did... random fact.)
I learned that Albert Camus is a very strange man indeed. And my whole life I grew up only knowing of him because of this saying on a plaque.
Maybe I feel a little differently about the saying now, knowing about who Camus is, but mostly, I just read this quote again and thought that it was wonderful and needed to be shared.

confession, value

so, today was a weird day. Honestly, it was not a very good one.
But, tonight I went to Flood, and I am very glad that I did. It was rather serendipitous actually. It turned my whole day around for sure.

I want to try to explain this.
It might not make sense, but I'll try to keep the story simple.
The theme of the message at Flood was this:

Confession: to openly acknowledge what is true.
The speaker talked of the importance of confession. To God, to ourselves, and to others.

So here, a confession:
I for the past few days I have not been wearing a seat belt.
This is because I no longer valued my life.

I no longer valued my life probably due to a few things, one of which can only be the enemy, and another being that I feel like I am stacked up against something impossible, and who am I, as a worthless little nothing, to do anything about it?
I felt terrible, I felt trapped, I felt useless and pointless and unloved and uncared for. I wanted to escape from my life in any way possible, though I didn't know how.

Well anyway, as I drove home, I reflected upon how I was in a much better mood than I was before I went to Flood, and how I was so glad I could meet up with some of my amazing friends and laugh and talk things through. It is really strange and wonderful how people can turn your day (and subsequently your life) around like that.

I also asked myself some serious questions, and I listened to some beautiful and poignant music that I had not listened to in a rather long time.
(I will not tell you what music it was because that's not really the point and I don't want you to dwell on that or be distracted by it.)
As I drove through the darkness, this music took me over and I began to feel a strong wave of emotions washing over me.

It brought back a lot of specific memories, and it rekindled a lot of feelings that I had been running from for a long time, though I didn't really know how true this was this until I actually felt them.
It saddens me to think that I have been running from these things for so long. And to know that you have been running from them too.

In that moment, tears streamed down my face, and the sound that filled my ears danced in time with the song in my soul, and again they spoke together, as they once did, as I know they will again.

I looked through the cracked windshield at the clamoring world around me; the blur of lights, the city night.
I felt the seat belt of my car hugging me tightly, holding me firmly in place.

A sense of knowing came over me. I knew that God was saying: The world may be rushing all around you, but right now, right here, you are held tightly and safely and I'm not letting you go. You may not always think of yourself as valuable, but I know exactly how valuable you are.

I felt like some old antique appraised at an antiques roadshow; I at first looked like some old junk, but I was later discovered to be priceless beyond measure.

And though I know that things will still be difficult, I will wear my seat belt from now on, and I will stop thinking so much of how to escape, because obviously God isn't going to let me go.

So, yeah. Please don't make my mistake and forget how valuable you are, and make sure to openly acknowledge what is true as often as you can, because Confession can be a powerful and freeing thing.

Oh, and there's something else, but I'll save that for another time. ;)