i need a place to live.

I am starting to get tired of having to retell my confusing present life situation over and over again to everyone who asks, so I figured I should write it all down.

At times I really hesitate to share some of this information. One, because it's very personal. Two, because I don't want to sound like I am complaining. But it is what it is and I am in desperate need right now of support or at least, just the ability to get all of this confusing ish out so I can sort through it and find out what I need to do.
I'm no good with being vague, so I tell it like it is.

the first part of this was written on Sunday march 28th:

I've had a very rough weekend, to put it lightly.
After weeks of worrying and wondering about it, my mom finally lost her job and now has to sell our house since we can no longer afford it, so I have to move out.
She has no idea where she is going to live, and no, I cannot live with her, so please stop asking about that. Initially I wasn't too worried about this because I was blessed and fortunate enough to be able to move in with Courtney and Jordi's family in Chula Vista, and the more I prayed and considered the ramifications of this move, the better it seemed. There was a good church community that they are involved in, (and since I currently work at a church on Sundays I do not attend a church and have no community or fellowship with any specific church, especially certain ones that to a good job of making me feel like an outcast, so I figured this was good,) and everything else just seemed right.

But this Sunday was an especially stressful day because on Saturday (march 27), my car started stalling and I had to trade it with my mom's car because it wasn't working, and I needed a car to move my stuff because she continued to stress that I needed to have my stuff packed up and moved out so she could sell the house.
That night, however, I tried to go home to sleep but my mom was out drinking with her boyfriend and I couldn't get inside because she had my house key since we traded cars.
So, since I had no place to sleep, my best friend and I stayed up in his car talking for an entire night. We spent most of it crying. It was not good. We decided to break off any potential we had for a relationship. (And yes, there was one there as most of you surmised.)
As the sun came up on Sunday I went straight to my internship feeling groggy and hungry and sad. All I had to eat was some coffee... so I felt ridiculous.
I had planned to go to the absolutely wonderful bridal shower of the amazing Alison, but as soon as I got there I got a call form Courtney saying that
the Williams got evicted from their house and had 60 days to move out. I'm sorry that I wasn't for longer, Alison! I wanted to be. Courtney is moving back in with her mom, but I don't know where I am going to go.

Anyway, it has been a few terrible weeks since that Sunday, and I have not really felt the crippling sadness that now overwhelms me until recently. I have been doing poorly in school but still I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this suck consume me. However, I heard again today that after Jordi's family moves, I can't come with them. Initially Jordi said I could share a room with her, but I guess it's going to be more expensive if more people life there... So:
In a month I won't have a place to live. I still don't have a full time job, and I don't have money to attend college. I barely have money to keep paying for my car, so affording a large rent right now also seems near impossible.

But! I do realize that I am blessed. I know I am very blessed. I have food and water and clothing and so much stuff that I don't even know what to do with it. I even have the time and ability to do incredible things and really enjoy the beauty in life.

But even still, when I look around at my current situation, I just feel completely crippled. I am helpless and I don't know what to do. There are so many goals and dreams I have, but I fear that none of them will ever be realized.

I am trying my best to look on the bright side of things. I am trying to enjoy this most turbulent and interesting this time in my life.

But right now, I figure that my life will either continue in this horrific downward spiral until I eventually die, or things will get better.

I have faith, and I know that SOMETHING is going to happen, so I shouldn't give up just yet.
Whatever it is, bring it on.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - it's crazy but I'm kind of loving it.

on a whim

I woke up at 4:00 this morning, and then I drove up the golden state to Davis with my friend Stephen.
It was really quite random, fun, unplanned, and amazing.

I'll be in the bay area for a little while, but I don't know how long. I'll fly back whenever I can.
I got to spend time with Christina who is very excited to have a visitor. I really love it here. I should be in college some more. I really love college.

Also, I'm glad I took this trip on a whim. I think that life should be more whimsical.

Because who even knows what life is anyway?
I want to figure it out, and for now, this is the best way I know how.

Do something unexpected today, friends. Do something positive. Make the world a better place.

yes...

we made it!

happy 2010.

don't read this if you want to keep on pretending that everything we do in the world is alright.

Every single piece of plastic us humans have ever produced is still on the planet today. It will never go away.
We can recycle it, but most of it ends up in the garbage, and then in the ocean, where there is a mass of garbage that is estimated to be twice the size of Texas.

Please take note of this.
Read this website to see what it is doing to the environment:
http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php?id=11


I hope you are happy with this, humans.

I am quitting my job at Tuesday Morning because the company is wasteful and never recycles. I honestly can't stand killing the earth any more than I already do.

Even though you are only one person, what you do definitely matters.
So be aware.

this is my new favourite blog:

1000 Awesome Things



also this other fledgling blog might eventually shape up to be something nice: www.friendofmine.wordpress.com

:)

life is wild

When I was born, I was fortunate enough to have a loving family that cared for me and provided for me.
Initially they taught me to speak and walk and think and reason and then eventually they put me into school where I learned many, many more things.
From that point on my life was rather well planned out.

What no one ever told me is that at one point, my life wasn't going to have a plan.

I guess that this was always a given: once I was finished with my schooling then I would have to do something with my life and "make a living" somehow.
But even in high school, there was still this idea that, well, next year I will go to college, and then I will have skills and a degree and I will be able to apply for jobs, etc.

What no one ever told me is that you can't exactly apply for jobs like you apply for schools.

There is no set path or set goals or set plan for anything.
Life is wild, open, unpredictable, beautiful and grand.

I don't know if this secret had been purposefully or accidentally kept from me my entire life. I don't think it was intentional because I guess that it is not really a secret.

But it is a scary thing to really realize that, from here on out, if I do nothing to make something happen, then nothing will happen with my life.

I feel as if I am starting my life over again, right now, with a fresh clean slate, except already I have twenty years of training and education and experience under my skin, and I am well enculturated into this society.

Right now, I am looking towards my open horizons, and am excited to see what happens next; I am also prepared to bear the weight and consequence of my future decisions, whatever those may be.

Please do not fear the wilderness of life once you come upon it. Look out into it, take a risk and prepare yourself for the wildest adventure you can possibly dream up.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs;
ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs
is people who have come alive."
-Harold Whitman

P.S. Copland's Fanfare For The Common Man is probably my favourite song at the moment. Please listen to it while you read this post, and while you perform any other task ever.

Switchfoot (and me!) on Jimmy Kimmel

Yep, after working for switchfoot all weekend, and going to their Hello Hurricane release party on Tuesday, I got to see them again on Jimmy Kimmel.



After Courtney and I saw U2 (posted below) I said that I wished all of the shows I attended would be broadcast on YouTube.
Well look at that! Maybe they all will be!

Thanks

best weekend ever?

Last night I got to see The Lion King musical.

It was amazing.

Today I am working for Switchfoot.
My favourite band ever.
As I type this, I am sitting back stage, several feel away from them.
They are soundchecking.
Jon just played the main riff from New Way To Be Human. I don't know if that's on the set or not.
They are so cool and so nice.
They are also messing with their new equipment and they look like kids on christmas.

This is a dream come true.

Thank you Switchfoot, thank you.